Thursday, January 12, 2006

Remember, if you feel sad, it will go away

My sister-in-law's advice to her daughter after the birth of her first child.

Good advice for me too, now that she's gone. I didn't really take too much time to be sad during the five days I was with the family for the visitation, burial and memorial. Now I'm reeling a bit.

I am glad for her that she is with the Lord. I'm sad for my brother that he is alone. I'm sad for their children and grandchildren that the relationship now remains only in memories.

I'm sad for my oldest brother about other things - his limited capacity after a stroke, approaching the end of his career, having my parent's home place to maintain and/or dispose of, a church that needs him to pastor but a body that needs him to rest more often. I want very much to help but I can't right now.

I'm frustrated by what motivates my son and that it doesn't include practicing saxophone. Saxophone seems trivial. I guess I need to pick my battles. He does his homework, he'd be on the honor role except for band - I see that our investment of time and money there will likely end with this school year. I've been cranky with him and he with me. I miss the boy he was and haven't quite gotten to know the teen he's becoming.

I'm struggling with re-joining the choir I am a member of. I took the fall off. I treasure my time and the reward of being a member just doesn't seem to match the investment.

I'm sad that I cannot shake the darkness and get back into my routines yet. So many urgent things crowding out the important. I "took the day off" - had my hair done (I didn't really like it but my husband did), slept, and bought (healthy) takeout food for supper.

I have lost 30 pounds since Nov. 17. Today was the hardest day so far in saying no to craving. I stayed strict except for having one additional fruit. I have to keep the end in sight. I'm getting pressure to exercise and the abiding sadness is a huge deterrent. Which is ironic because exercise would probably help relieve some of the emotion.

Thanks for walking the journey with me. This too shall pass.

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