Tuesday, July 06, 2010

How Red is My Face? After 35 years.

Strange, how Facebook can become a tool for reconciliation or continued rejection; for mature dialogue or juvenile regression.

I’ve recently reconnected with a number of high school classmates via Facebook. Most of them found me. Admittedly, not many of them were close friends during our school days, but I appreciate the connection to those who shared the school years of my life. However, one person that continues to elude me is one to whom I most long to make amends.

I had a good friendship that started in Junior High. We were both high-spirited. We played tennis together. I shared my first kiss with a boy in her garage. We had a lot of great times. But on one fateful night, we did something that eventually left us both publically embarrassed. At my enthusiastic insistence we dressed as clowns and inserted ourselves into a half-time show that was not ours. Someone once said if an event embarrasses you tomorrow or next week, it isn’t that big a deal. If it embarrasses you ten years after the fact, it was truly embarrassing. This was one of the very few truly embarrassing moments in my life.

Perhaps no one besides my friend and I remember that event. Perhaps my friend doesn’t even remember. I don’t dwell on it daily but I blush every time it comes across my mind, which is pretty much any time I see a clown. Was it life-ending or career stopping? Likely not. But in a sense, I think it damaged our friendship. Perhaps beyond repair. I was at fault because I was the initiator. How do I make amends for that?

Granted, after graduation, we lost contact and relocated in different cities. My access to the internet didn’t happen until 20 years later. Now, through classmates.com and Facebook, I can see pictures of where my friend is now, and I wonder, is The Clown Incident the primary window through which she views her memories of me? Was I rude to her in ways beyond what I remember? I shouldn’t have been rude at all. How did it impact her life? Do I even remember the facts correctly? Could we both help each other forget? Did she ever forgive me? Could she?

All I want my friend to know is: I’m sorry and I have missed you.

UPDATE: Right after posting this, the two of us connected. She read this post and had absolutely no recollection of The Incident at all. Wondered if I was sure I had the right person. Isn't life interesting? She and I are now friends on Facebook and my face isn't quite as red as it used to be.

Picture: "Blushing Clown" -Google Images

No comments:

Post a Comment