Thursday, April 20, 2006

"Nice" pill

For all my talk about cultivating good habits, I still wish there were a pill I could take to instantaneously transform me into a constantly nice person.

When I was in elementary school I remember praying in the morning before I left for school: "God please make me nice." When I was in junior high I knew I wasn't nice and I didn't care. When I was in high school, one friend said I was popular but I didn't really think so. When I was in college, I had a roommate for two years and then asked for single rooms after that. My two year roommate never spoke to me after. I don't know what I did. The rest of my life I have lived expecting people to love me as I am.

But I don't love me. Oh, I love some things, but I hate part of what drives me to lose my temper at the drop of a hat. How is it that I can be deeply contented and delighted in something beautiful or holy and then 10 minutes later the switch is thrown, the trigger is pulled and I have turned into Mt. Vesuvius.

A raised voice, a sharp tongue, a lack of regard for the feelings of others. Bull in a china shop. Shoot first, aim later.

It's not that I don't know what's right, I just don't do it. Not always. And it's in the "almost" that I really, really, really don't like myself.

Good habits. The key to peace and freedom...

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