Friday, January 13, 2006

Musing about Ministry

My current church involvement includes leading a women's small group study, singing with 3 others for worship through music at the women's weekly study. I sing with a worship band every 8 weeks for weekend services. I am "trying out" at the info desk - greeting people and answering their questions.

I used to be a person that would dive head first into whatever needed doing, but now I'm surprised by my own hesitation. Fear of failure is not usually something that affects me, but somehow it does in relation to Worship Arts at church. The demand for "excellence" is so high, I fear I won't measure up.

This fear seems to go beyond simple insecurity. I don't want my human error to become one of those dreaded distractions in the service. I'm finding it difficult to truly judge my competency level (as it relates to music) and have usually relied on the feedback of others to help measure that. I am not comfortable with self-promotion (that's just wrong) or asking to do a specific thing.

I want to do things that bring joy to God's heart. I want to be able to serve Him in humility, not think more highly of myself than I ought (which has been my pattern in the past), to be clear in judging my motives, and not seek out human applause or promote my own agenda. This is a daily cross. If I don't die to myself in these areas, my motives become suspect.

It is part of the basic human condition that we desire to make a significant contribution, to be recognized as competent, to be needed, to be loved. That has happened in very limited ways for me so far in the music area of the church. So now, I remind myself of the (very true) cliches about this: God often calls us to go outside our comfort zone. He equips those He calls. He is the Audience of One. In our weakness, He is strong. A man's gift makes room for him.

I want to try to find the ways I can touch people and change lives by helping where it is most needed. I'm no clearer today on where I would best fit in, but I will prayerfully consider doing whatever I'm asked to do.

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