Some Days are Stone

I participated in a video project for our church, headed up by Shirley Thiessen. The project is called "Grieving with Hope." It's come time to view the finished project along with other participants, friends and family. I assume it's going to be a powerful film but I'm startled to realize I don't want to go to the screening.

This is the thing about grief and loss. Some days are diamonds and some days are stone. Some days life is so beautiful, I ache with the glorious joy of it all. Other days grief rises like a tsunami and I'm dashed against the rocks.

All of this - all of it, good and bad - is life and love and loss and recovery. 

There is no easy button. Some days I hang on to Jesus and when I've lost my grip, I discover Jesus holds me. Sometimes I'm held by Him through Henry, Andrew, Susan, Jean, Cathy, Peggy, Barb, Pamela, Cheryl, Pauline, Steve Wanda, John, Jim, Sheilia and hundreds more of you who pray and hug and care for me and for each other.

You know what happens as we walk together, bind up the broken-hearted, carry one another through the loss and dance together through the celebrations? Every breath, every step, every mundane moment of every day becomes a testament to hope and restoration.

All because of Love.

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Update: I decided, with my husband and two dear friends by my side, I could attend the screening after all. It spanned the gamut of emotions, as I expected, but I was able to resist the constant urge to bolt (or throw up). My part was small, in context of the film. When twelve people are interviewed for a 45 minute film about their very different journeys, every story (out of necessity) is abbreviated. The editor shapes the outcome toward his or her intended focus. This is the privilege and responsibility of filmmakers. I would tell the story in a different way because the journey and focus is unique to me. But the video is there, and it is out of my hands. As the photo quote at the top of this post affirms, "My brokenness is a better bridge for people than my pretend wholeness ever was." My prayer is that my story may be of some benefit to aid another on their own journey. It is the Spirit's work and the Spirit sifts it for Spirit purposes. Amen.

Soul Talk

I’ve just finished a book study on Soul Talk, by Dr. Larry Crabb, about the language God longs for us to speak and how to speak it with power into the lives of others. Dr. Crabb is a psychologist, author, speaker and director of New Way Ministries.

The concepts in this book are moving me from the old way (religion, rules and performance) into the new way of freedom and life in Christ. Dr. Crabb sums it up:

“When we speak SoulTalk, we soon realize that without the Trinity, we can’t do anything. And with them, we can only marvel at mystery and cooperate with a process we can never control.”

“I can describe how true brokenness over personal sin is worlds different from agony over rejection, and only the misery of brokenness, never the misery of rejection, frees us to seek God. In brokenness over sin, we seek God as our first thing, pleading for his mercy, not screaming for our rights.” p. 235

“And I can chart the progress on the spiritual journey:

·         from brokenness: “I’ve sinned against the one who sinned against me. My sin is as offensive to God as is his. And I’ve sinned against God by treating him like a second thing.”

·         through repentance: “I’ve been on the religious journey, trying to do what it takes to make my life work and to feel alive. I want to trade in all that self-obsession for God-obsession.”

·         into abandonment: “I’ll follow the Spirit wherever he tells me to go because I am willing to risk trusting God, even when he does nothing visible to warrant my trust.”

·         toward confidence: “God’s been dancing all along. And now I’m walking onto the dance floor. I can hear the music. Look! I’m actually dancing, and I feel alive. Communion with the Trinity is real and fills the center of my soul. This is life!”

·         resulting in release: “Now I want to bless those who have hurt me. My pain isn’t the point. Yes, I still hurt, but I’m becoming God-obsessed! I’m a little more like Jesus! And it’s who I really am. I’m discovering my true self. This is joy!”

“And the release of who we really are as new creatures in Christ, as solid, alive, and joyful Spirit-led beings, often brings in its wake all manner of second things: restored relationships...; emotional healing from trauma that led us in wrong directions...; an aroused appetite for God that is felt even more deeply when dreams shatter; and a joy that no loss of second things can destroy.

“When we get serious about seeking God’s presence over his blessings, two things happen. First, we begin to sense an inner strength, and perseverance becomes a possibility. Quitting doesn’t feel necessary, no matter how empty and discouraged we feel. Second, wisdom sneaks into our soul.” p.239

“My job is to follow the Spirit’s movement, never to try to move people on my own. I am to desire the spirit’s goal for my troubled friends: not a better marriage, but an aroused appetite for God that could lead to a better marriage. I m to wait for the Spirit to move and then tag along, to walk through the doors the spirit opens into their souls, not to insist they see something now and change.

“I am to prepare myself for the long journey ahead. The process of detachment from second things, things like protection against more pain, is always rough. It always involves suffering... Following the spirit into the new way takes us into a few ark nights.And when we’re there, we wonder if we’ve taken a wrong turn.” p. 241

“I am to know that the path to joy moves first into the desert where nothing makes sense and then leads into the valley where the pain in our hearts seems unbearable and unending. I am to cooperate with this process I cannot control, knowing that no suffering is worthy to be compared with the joy of dancing with the Trinity.” p. 242

Come join the dance!