One Word 2020

Do you have One Word for 2020? It is a personal choice to find, choose, or receive a theme for the year that is represented by one word. Resolutions don’t work for most people, but many have found that #OneWord gives them the focus and simple clarity to make sustained life change over the coming year. If you'd like to know more, click here.

My one word for 2020 is "healing." This word surfaced for me during a sermon at our church, called "Beyond Confession" where Kyle Trigg led us through a type of year end "Examen". During the four step contemplative process, we were to individually ask ourselves various questions and listen to what the Holy Spirit was impressing on us. (If you'd like to step through this exercise, Pastor Trigg begins his message at the 13:04 mark of this video. Allow about an hour.) 

One of the questions was about "what I need" for the coming year. Spontaneously, I prayed, "Lord, I need you to heal my heart." Tears followed so quickly, I realized in that split second, God had gifted me with understanding there are deep parts of me that need healing. Emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual wounds exist. I have some in each area. In the same moment, he opened my eyes to several people in my circle who are in the same place, in need of personal healing. 

The scripture teaches we are to love the Lord our God with all our heart (emotional), soul (spiritual), mind (mental), and strength (physical). It's my conclusion over my 62 years, that if there are broken parts in any of these areas, it can be a barrier to loving God fully. 

So this year, I'm focusing my attention on healing.

Past Words

Previous words in past years have included gratitude, presence, love, good, depth and trust. Each year the word is different and reflects the context of my life at that time. Here are brief descriptors of how some of these words were chosen.

2015: Presence

Living present in this moment, today. Instead of making a future list of what needs to go away or come to your life, promise yourself only one thing this year: be present. Speak it only to yourself. Promises and goals spoken out loud trick the brain into thinking we've already accomplished what we've spoken and so we neglect to do the work necessary to actually keep our promise. Just whisper it to yourself: "Be present". In every moment, in every situation, in every joy, with every difficult person: be present, focused, attentive, fully engaged. Make this agreement with yourself. Honour yourself enough to keep your own solemn vow.

Release what you must.
Receive all that comes.
It’s the present.

2017: Good

As many people look back on the prior year, they seem to focus on the bad things that happened. “What a horrible year it was,” they lament. They list all the celebrities that died, the natural disasters, statistics on crime. Even "News" outlets have become purveyors of bad news to the point of fear mongering.

It's easy for me to do the same thing on a smaller scale. Whether it's my own thoughts, negative narrative, self-talk, the inner mean girl, the enemy of my soul, or sub-conscious fears and anxiety; negative perspectives creep into my consciousness (especially at night) and point out all the catastrophic things that can come of imagined realities. The thing is, whatever you focus upon, grows. Whatever you're looking for, you will find. So I have a choice: I can focus on worst case scenarios, or I can choose to tell myself the truth and seek out what is good.

Whatever you are looking for, you will find 

If you continue to look for evidence that things are bad, there’s plenty out there. I also know if you look for things that are good, there’s even more evidence of that. Here's some initial thoughts:

God is good.

The first recorded words from God were “It is good.”

God withholds no good thing from us. (Good by God’s definition, not mine).

God has shown us what is good: to seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly with God.

Look for the good, because whatever you are looking for, you will find.

Assume good will.

That’s good. 

Be good.

2018: Depth

This word came to me like a gift even before my birthday in December. It was inspired by this article: Go Deeper, Not Wider.

2019: Trust

Late in 2018, through several significant events, I noticed myself saying frequently, "I just find it really hard to trust people." As it became a pattern, I wondered, is it only other people I can't trust or does it go deeper? Is it based in a hesitation to trust myself? Or is it possible that I am unwilling to trust God?

As I sat with that thought over the next few weeks, I realized the struggle was real and the Holy Spirit was prompting me to attend to this matter in a very intentional way. What better way than to make "trust" my One Word for 2019? I began preparing my heart by looking in, while at the same time, attending to the places where trust was mentioned, or where I felt a struggle to trust people or God. I detailed some of these in my January 1, 2019 blog post.


Choosing your own One Word

Please remember, these are some of the words and ways God has spoken into my life in a language I can understand. God may speak in different ways and means to you. If you come to God with open hands, listening for guidance, pay attention to what surfaces. There is no one right way to choose your One Word. For more information, see this blog post.

In Keeping with Peace

As the second candle of Advent was lit last Sunday for peace, I offer this sage and proven advice, given to me during the aftermath of my first husband's sudden death in December 2012. These things help you manage your body, mind, will and emotions during the days and months following a bereavement and/or trauma. If you have been through a similar loss, or are finding life hard to navigate during this season, consider observing the following practices to aid you in "keeping the peace" in your life.

1. Avoid listening to or watching the news, television, music or movies with intense, dark themes, or deeply emotional content.
2. Try to not make any significant changes for at least one year, longer if possible.
3. Maintain the discipline and routine of proper self-care: nutritional food intake, adequate rest, regular exercise, and regularly scheduled time for relaxation and recreation.
4. Stay connected to a small group of trusted friends.
5. Allow yourself to feel. Don't numb it with busyness, noise, work, food, booze or drugs. You cannot heal what you won't acknowledge. Allow tears to come. 
6. If you need help managing your pain, seek out a GriefShare group and/or a professional grief counsellor.
7. Accept that the hole of another's absence will always be there. Time does bring a lessening of the pain, and it gives perspective, but full healing may not happen in this life.
8. You will not always feel this way.

This has been my CPR for navigating grief. That, and the unshakable awareness of God's presence, love and mercy, carrying me every moment.

Tears are not a sign of weakness, they are the sign of an open heart.  
~Ann Voskamp 

This one final, all encompassing thing I know and remember to keep the peace: God is love. All God ever does is motivated by love. I trust this truth. It is not easy. It is a discipline to trust. But when I do, it transforms and informs my life. In my weakest moment, I am stronger than I have ever been, because my strength is the presence of God.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
For I am the Lord your God
    who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
    I will help you.
Isaiah 41:10,13




Photo by Jordan Steranka on Unsplash 

The Grudge Has Met Its Match

Confession: I was about 30 years old when a friend did something that hurt me very deeply. She was one of those really nice people that everyone liked, always well-behaved and never stepped out of line.  It was a conversation she had with my husband when the three of us were together. I had no evidence that she intended to be rude or insensitive. There is no way she could have known that ignoring me during her brief banter with my husband had touched a very tender part of my heart and created a deep wound in an already vulnerable place.

I was generally confident in most things, talented, outspoken, opinionated. But our marriage was troubled. I was insecure about my relationship and this short conversation triggered fear. My husband admired her. A little too much, I thought. My imagination was a bit too vivid: I could be abandoned, rejected completely, as I had been completely ignored while the two of them chatted. A small wound began to bleed and I didn't address it, so it began a slow downward spiral towards a root of bitterness in my heart.

What she said was frivolous, a thoughtless, throwaway conversation. But it stuck like a fish hook in my mind, and I gave it meaning and import that it did not merit. The talons of suspicion and jealousy clawed deeply into the raw layer of "I am not enough." I nursed that wound. Dark thoughts began to creep in. From then on, I viewed every interaction with deep distrust. I saw twisted motives in everything she did. And the grudge grew.

Because you're not what I would have you be, 

I blind myself to who, in truth, you are.

~Madeleine L'Engle

I never talked to her about the perceived offence. There was a part of me that knew, deep inside, it really was my issue, my response, my pain, my fear but I didn't seriously sort through the emotions until years later. We were working on our marriage, but every interaction and observation with this person from then on was clouded by the firm (but flawed) conviction that she had the world handed to her on a silver platter and my husband was the next thing on her wish list. I believed this lie. I would ensure she never enjoyed our friendship again. If I could have, I would have tried to stop her getting anything good. It was a horrible place to be.

Holding a grudge against someone means 

you think you know what they deserve 

and you take it upon yourself to give it to them. 

~Dr. Timothy Keller

Instead of sitting with the pain and discovering what it triggered in me, I blindly blamed her. Blame allows me to deny my own responsibility for forgiveness, reconciliation and restoration. For years I distanced myself. For years I viewed everything she did with distain and contempt, not even giving her credit for genuine successes she attained in her life. When we had to be in the same room at the same time, I kept up the pretence of amiable acquaintance, but it was stiff and disingenuous. Bitterness ate me up inside.

Author, Serena Woods, writes about this kind of bitterness: "If everyone did everything right concerning you, you would have never learned what the pain taught you. Lessons are valuable and no price can be put on them. Bitterness shows that hanging on to the failures of others is more important than the lesson.

Bitterness shows that hanging on to the failures of others
is more important than the lesson. ~Serena Woods

This went on for many years. It's amazing the staying power of a grudge. I could still tell you the exact words of that conversation, but now, I've begun to let it go. In 2010, I started attending Freedom Session, knowing I needed Jesus' healing for this and many other issues. I learned my bitterness and pain were rooted in fear of abandonment, insignificance, displacement. I learned to stop blaming and to get out of denial. To stop believing the lies that I was "less than." I learned to take responsibility for my own attitudes, actions and behaviours. I learned to make amends. But even after taking the course twice, I still hadn't completely accomplished the "forgiveness" step.

Not for lack of trying! I confessed and wept before the Lord on multiple occasions over the last 30 years since The Incident. But it had a deep root I regularly tended, watered and fertilized before I began listening in obedience to the convicting power of the Holy Spirit.

"Forgive as I have forgiven you." (Matthew 6:12-15)

I thought I'd forgiven it, then from time to time it raised it's ugly head again. I'd have genuine, loving interactions with this person and then go home and the enemy would come in like a flood, suggesting nefarious intent of her part. It came like a roaring lion trying to devour me. I needed the armour of God!

But our gracious, good Father continues to wait, patiently, for the prodigal daughter to return. Over the past six years since I was widowed, by God's grace, I've begun to walk the path back to genuine, lasting forgiveness. I've sat with the pain, facing the stark reality of what unforgiveness has done to damage my relationships and my spirit.

The Holy Spirit gently points to what God has done in dealing with my sin. Can I do any less?

• I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins. (Hebrews 8:12)
• I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. (Isaiah 43:25)
• As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:12)
• Once again you will have compassion on us. You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean! (Micah 7:19)

There are those who may be given an extraordinary grace to forgive instantaneously. But in my case,  forgiveness has not been a "once and done" action. Over and over and over, every time those old feelings of bitterness begin to creep back in about that ancient offence, I must choose to say (sometimes out loud so my heart hears it twice), "I distinctly remember forgiving that." 

Now I need to release it.

Clara Barton, founder of the American Red Cross, was reminded one day of a vicious deed that someone had done to her years before. But she acted as if she had never even heard of the incident. “Don’t you remember it?” her friend asked. “No,” came Barton’s reply, “I distinctly remember forgetting it.”

I love what Joanie Yoder writes in Our Daily Bread: “God doesn’t say He’ll forget our sins—He says He’ll remember them no more! His promise not to remember them ever again is stronger than saying He’ll forget them.” She goes on, "Because Christ died for all our sins (1 Cor. 15:3), God promises to forgive us and never bring up our sin again (Ps. 103:12)."

This is my prayer. To continuously forgive and to stop remembering. The grudge has met its match. I choose to let God throw it all into the un-remembered depths; into the sea of his forgiveness.

You too?

God, whose every way is perfect,

Said in justice and in grace

That our sins He’ll not remember,

And our fears He will erase.  

~Hess

Photo 1 by Lina Trochez 

Photo 2 by Michael Olsen

Not as Those Without Hope

It was the wee hours of the morning in mid-January, 1974, when the phone rang at 3056 West Madison. Frank Nickel answered and heard the anxious voice of his oldest son, Charles, on the other end of the line.

"The baby's started coming, one foot is already out, what do I do?"

"I'm on my way," Frank said.

After instructing his son to call for an ambulance, Frank rushed to Charles' home, arriving before the ambulance did. Together they struggled to deliver the child, but since it was a breech birth, it was very difficult and took much time. I do not remember if the baby was born at home, in the ambulance ride or at the hospital.

For two days, Angela Kay, fought for life in the newborn nursery at the hospital. She had fluid in her lungs, inhaled during the extended delivery. I stood at the nursery window and wept, watching her little chest heave involuntarily in shuddering spasms as she gasped for air. I begged God to spare her, but her lungs were too compromised.

I listened as my family went through the various stages of grief, anger and blame. Why didn't the doctor know the baby was breech? Why did it take so long for the ambulance to arrive? Why were the ambulance attendants not better trained in labour and delivery?

My parents were heartbroken, not only for the loss of a granddaughter, but for the pain brought to bear on their first son and his wife. They knew the truths of scripture, but this was the first untimely death of a direct family member. But it was not the last.

I had just turned 16. I don't remember anyone speaking to me directly about this loss. I don't even remember if there was a funeral. I was present with the family when I wasn't at school (did I even go to school during this time?) but I knew nothing about dealing with grief.

Mom and Dad were already reeling from a fallout with their son, Jack, who had cut off contact with them in the prior year. I witnessed first-hand the anguish, heartbreak and grief my parents experienced as a result of the severed relationship. They prayed daily for all their children and extended family, but spent many more hours in supplication for Jack, and for guidance in how to appeal for reconciliation.

But Jack was out of touch. He had enlisted in the Marines and told them not to contact him. The enlistment was a further blow for our parents, raised as conscientious objectors who are opposed to war because of deeply held convictions against killing.

As you can read in yesterday's post, Jack became the second family member to face an untimely death, less than two months after Angela. How does a family heal from such devastating loss?

Yesterday, I found my father's answer to that question in his own words, written April 2, 1974 to those who had expressed condolences:

Dear Friends,

"Perplexed but not in despair." (2 Cor. 4:8)

Please accept our sincere thanks for your expressions of sympathy. The painful losses of Angela Kay, new-born daughter of Charles and Carol, on January 16, and then our third son, Jack Daniel, on March 2, have both resulted in the free-flowing of a fountain of tears. However, we have not questioned God's faithfulness or compassion. His Word has become more relevant and His presence more real, as the "peace that passeth understanding" has filtered through the shadows and settled as dew on our troubled minds. We are told to "lay up treasure in heaven." Now God Himself, has chosen to "lay up" two choice treasures for us. Need we say that heaven is nearer since they are there? How precious is the assurance of seeing them again!

Angela Kay died as a result of breathing complications after somewhat less than two days of life. She was a beautiful baby of nearly nine pounds. We do not know what caused Jack's car to leave the highway and strike a tree. He would have been 26 on the day of his funeral. His testimony for the Lord through the years, both in life and service, has blessed countless lives, both in our nation and in Canada,--also in many foreign countries by recording. His clear tenor voice thrilled us again and again, and his pleasant personality attracted many, wherever he went. He often quoted Psalm 16:11, "Thou wilt show me the path of life; in Thy presence is fulness of joy; at Thy right hand there are pleasures forevermore." His wife, Karen, resides with her parents presently at Enid, Oklahoma, and will possibly take up further educational training.

Your prayers, and expression of love have meant so much. May God bless you for them.

Sincerely,

The Frank Nickel Family

I also consider how my parents weren't aware or able to help me grieve while they were overcome with their own grief. I saw more "brave face" from my parents than I did sadness. I do not doubt that they grieved much in private, away from my eyes. So as an adult, through the recent reading and research on grieve and through participation in a GriefShare support group, I've learned the critical importance of giving myself permission to sit with the feelings of sadness as they rise.

Because I believe in the resurrection, I do not grieve as those who have no hope. But I still grieve. One of the ways I find healing is taking time to think, pray, journal or even blog about my losses with tenderness and honesty. I am no longer in despair, and after I publish this, I will go on with my life, which is filled with wonder, laughter and peace with the occasional bouts of sadness. But I have spent the past six years going through a number of steps to get to this point.

My encouragement to you, if bereavement comes to your family, is this: don't squelch your path back to wholeness by ignoring your grief. Take the time you need to express your grief in a safe place, a support group, a grief counsellor, reading good books (I've collected a list for you here). But while you are doing so, please also be aware of the younger ones around you who don't know how to do this and may not understand what is happening. It's important to give them comfort and reassurance that is age-appropriate, and to let them see your sadness.

If you've been through this, what other things have helped you process your grief in a healthy way?




Photo by Wes Hicks on Unsplash
Text added by Joyce Rempel on Word Swag

Books for the Journey of Grief

Yesterday was a busy day which did not allow time for blogging. My 3x per week noon workout in the community pool, a dental visit which confirmed the need for a root canal, then Girls' Night Out at church (sold out) with 200 women enjoying dinner and a movie: God's Compass.

It was a sweet, tender story. The main character had just retired, and her husband had recently passed away. She sought to help a stranger who had helped her pregnant daughter in law to the hospital and had a hidden connection to her family. Grief and loss are part of the movie and it stimulated some thinking about how one may turn to  pragmatic tasks or sacrificial service during and after bereavement as a means of honoring the one who died by making a difference in someone else's life.

It's approaching six years since I was first widowed. During that time there were several books that helped me, and I asked a few friends to add to that list by recommending books that helped them as well. If you are a reader, this is a resource list you'll want to explore. It will equip you for comforting the grieving, and if you are grieving, these books will simply comfort you.

It is my prayer that one or more of these recommendations will make a difference in your life, perhaps even serve as a compass to point to your true north in the aftermath of bereavement.

Mourning Into Dancing by Walter Wangerin Jr.
Wangerin is one of today’s most gifted and award-winning writers on issues of faith and spirituality. I worked through this book around the time of my mother's death in 1996. It was transformative for me. In a captivating narrative woven with stories and comfort, this book defines the stages of grief, defines the types of relationships and the losses we experience in those areas, shows how to help the grief-stricken, gives a new vision of Christ’s sacrifice, and shows how a loving God shares our grief.

Seven Choices by Elizabeth Harper Neeld
A highly original and meaningful approach to the grieving process with sound advice on how to adjust to change and form new life patterns and human bonds.









Roses in December by Marilyn Willett Heavilin
Having lost three sons, Marilyn knows the tremendous sorrows and struggles that come with the death of loved ones. Yet she shares how, even in the winters of our lives, God provides roses―special occasions, special people, and special memories―to give us strength and draw close to Him. My fourth brother Jim and his wife found this book particularly meaningful after the loss of their 21 year old son in a collision.

Through a Season of Grief by Bill Dunn and Kathy Leonard
A place to turn for daily comfort and help packed with tools to move forward. This is a 365-day devotional designed to support and uplift you in the first, most difficult year of bereavement. More than thirty respected Christian professionals share their insights on how to walk through the devastation of grief toward wholeness and hope. You will also hear from people like you who have lost a loved one and have found God's healing presence in the midst of despair. This unique devotional is based on GriefShare®, a national grief recovery support group program that has helped more than 100,000 families.

Lovely Traces of Hope by Kathy Burrus
By a college classmate of mine who lost her teenage daughter to an accident. It was her daughter's unfinished book that penetrated deep into the torn and broken heart of her mother and pointed her, in the midst of her grief, to the lovely traces God reveals about himself in random and unexpected ways.







Journeying Through Grief by Stephen Ministries

This is a set of four short booklets that offer words of comfort and hope designed to be sent to grieving people at specific, crucial times during that first year after a loved one dies. Each book focuses on what the person is likely to be experiencing at that time and provides care, assurance, encouragement, and hope. I was grateful to be a recipient of these each quarter from a dear friend who understood what it meant to be widowed and delivered them personally with a handwritten note of encouragement.

I Will Carry You by Angie Smith
The powerful story of a mother who carried a child deemed "incompatible with life," and the eternal insights gained from a baby who lived less than three hours.









What books have you found comforting or helpful in the midst of your grieving?

Father's Day 2017

Here is a day to honour with gratitude the things our fathers did well, to cover with forgiveness the ways they fell, and remember with fondness the stories they'd tell. They were shaped by their fathers too, and so the generations follow.

Happy Fathers Day to the dads and their dads. Thanks for all the ways you love and provide and pray and play and laugh and lead.

May we all remember to run to the one Father who is always true, always good, who gently leads, guides, and heals the wounds we still hold.

Dealing with Verbal Abuse

When someone close to you wounds you with their words, it can be painful, especially when it’s clear they meant to hurt and the cuts go deep. Most of us have been there and some must deal with this on a continuing basis.

Elizabeth Gilbert says, “When someone asks, ‘Can I be brutally honest?’, say ‘No!’, because what they are really asking is if they can brutalize you.”

My friend, Jane (not her real name), has an extended family member (we’ll call her Cruella), who regularly attacks Jane, casts dispersions on her morals and values, her relationship with her spouse and even attacks the core of Jane’s identity with ugly, baseless verbal attacks.

“For a long while,” Jane says, “I just silently took it, trying desperately to win her over. I became a door mat.” She believed that being sweet and kind, in spite of what Cruella said, could win her over.

“That did not happen,” she says “and it continued to get worse. Cruella had no respect for me, and why should she? I was the door mat, where she’d wipe her dirty, muddy feet, walk away and continue with her life.” 

Sometimes, in these cases, the healthiest boundary we can set is to love someone from a distance. We can forgive but we do not have to continue putting ourselves in harm's way. Avoiding situations where we have to be around them helps protect us from unnecessary hurt. Even if we forgive them, forgiveness does not automatically require reconciliation.  Only a positive change in behavior (repentance) can pave the way for a restored relationship.

However, we can’t always avoid the bully. Due to other ongoing relationships within the family, Jane is obliged to stay in relationship with her abusive family member. She explains, “I know it would be unhealthy for my children if I told them anything (about the verbal abuse) - this is between me and her – it has nothing to do with them.” She knows just one conversation about it with her adult children could totally kill their relationship with Cruella, but she chooses not to tell them. “That would be pure hatred on my part and that is not what God would have me do.” 

Jane continues, “Because of my children and their relationship to Cruella, I have to constantly get back into the ‘ring’.” In order to do this without being crushed, she made three rules for herself regarding the ongoing attacks from Cruella, and when she shared them with me, I felt it was something that would helps us all.

So from the personal experience of Jane, here is her loving, wise advice on how you can navigate the territory if you must stay in relationship with an unkind person:

Set safe boundaries, never go into that ring alone and don't go into it very often.

1.  Set Safe Personal Boundaries

This may include speaking gently but firmly to the other party, like you would to any bully: “I am not willing to hear you speak in this way. If you cannot be kind, I will have to leave.”  However, boundaries don’t always have to be shared with the other person. Jane’s boundaries are set in her heart and head when it comes to Cruella – placed there by lots of talking with her supportive spouse.

Consider reading: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

2.  Never Go Into That Ring Alone

Jane explains that Cruella’s “attacks” always came when they were alone, one-on-one.  There are no witnesses, and that seems to give the other person more liberty to make the attacks deeper and more personal because you have no one in your corner. Never meet your abuser one-on-one. Go with a trusted family member, a loving friend, or meet in a group. At family dinners or social functions, make sure you have a safe, loyal person looking out for you, standing with you always, so that your Cruella cannot corner you.

3.  Don’t Enter That Ring Often 

Make your meetings and get-togethers fewer and farther apart.  You don’t have to attend everything where she’ll be present. Say “No” to certain functions and invitations if you might be forced to be alone with your Cruella.  Delay answering texts, emails and voice messages. Don’t respond immediately. Jane says she’ll sometimes let a few days pass before she answers.  “Depending on the content,” she adds, “if no questions are asked, or if it is just information, I don’t respond to them at all.” Instead of returning a phone call, send an email.

If the abusive person demands immediate replies and you are not yet prepared to reply, defer with a response worded something like, “I can’t answer at this moment, I will take a day (or whatever period of time you need) and get back to you.” Or “I will run this by (my spouse, partner, family) and let you know later today/this week/by X date.”

Jane recommends that you always be kind and gracious but keep an “emotional and mental distance” with your own Cruella. 

“You owe her nothing, except to be polite and respectful,” Jane says, “the way we would be with any person who comes into our life.” You don’t need to apologize or feel obliged to give explanations, as these sometimes provide further fuel for your abuser to twist, take out of context or throw back at you. 

While these guidelines help Jane cope with the unavoidable situations where she must be around Cruella, she says it has not healed the relationship.

“It probably never will,” she says, recognizing that Cruella “has been wounded herself and hurt people hurt people.”

Both Jane and I hope and pray that you find these guidelines helpful. These can be a launching pad for your own healing and self-care when dealing with difficult people.

Wisdom from one wounded warrior to another.

Please note: This blog entry is intended to address your relationships with extended family members, work colleagues or social peer relationships. If your Cruella is a spouse, a boss, or your child, these guidelines may not be possible to enforce. Please seek professional help if you are in a situation where you feel powerless or unsafe.

Some Days are Stone

I participated in a video project for our church, headed up by Shirley Thiessen. The project is called "Grieving with Hope." It's come time to view the finished project along with other participants, friends and family. I assume it's going to be a powerful film but I'm startled to realize I don't want to go to the screening.

This is the thing about grief and loss. Some days are diamonds and some days are stone. Some days life is so beautiful, I ache with the glorious joy of it all. Other days grief rises like a tsunami and I'm dashed against the rocks.

All of this - all of it, good and bad - is life and love and loss and recovery. 

There is no easy button. Some days I hang on to Jesus and when I've lost my grip, I discover Jesus holds me. Sometimes I'm held by Him through Henry, Andrew, Susan, Jean, Cathy, Peggy, Barb, Pamela, Cheryl, Pauline, Steve Wanda, John, Jim, Sheilia and hundreds more of you who pray and hug and care for me and for each other.

You know what happens as we walk together, bind up the broken-hearted, carry one another through the loss and dance together through the celebrations? Every breath, every step, every mundane moment of every day becomes a testament to hope and restoration.

All because of Love.

--------------------------------------------

Update: I decided, with my husband and two dear friends by my side, I could attend the screening after all. It spanned the gamut of emotions, as I expected, but I was able to resist the constant urge to bolt (or throw up). My part was small, in context of the film. When twelve people are interviewed for a 45 minute film about their very different journeys, every story (out of necessity) is abbreviated. The editor shapes the outcome toward his or her intended focus. This is the privilege and responsibility of filmmakers. I would tell the story in a different way because the journey and focus is unique to me. But the video is there, and it is out of my hands. As the photo quote at the top of this post affirms, "My brokenness is a better bridge for people than my pretend wholeness ever was." My prayer is that my story may be of some benefit to aid another on their own journey. It is the Spirit's work and the Spirit sifts it for Spirit purposes. Amen.

Retrospectre

In these days we have an abundance of motivational speakers, life coaches, and personal trainers; a plethora of blogs dole out Six Easy Steps to whatever; websites overflow with life hacks, advice, recipes or mantras for healing, freedom and/or success; advertisements promise to solve problems you didn’t even know you had. In all of this noise, sometimes, don’t you just want one person who will spend five minutes listening? Here’s a story about how hard it is to find and/or be that person.

*  *  *  *  *

The three of us lingered over the last bites of dinner. Barely more than acquaintances, we carefully opened up one or two leaves of our story to each other, testing the water before we infused the more tender emotions of our history. Perhaps it was the second drink that lulled me, seduced me into a perceived sense of safety. Oiled the hinges enough to unlock one particularly dark dungeon where I had hidden “The Most Hurtful Thing” ever spoken to me.

Did I dare speak it? Expose my core wound to these fledgling friends? I needed to make sense of it. I desperately needed to know Those. Words. weren’t true. To experience the protection of a caregiver, a warrior-friend, a confidant, who would shelter me from the memory, the continuous hammer blows of condemnation echoing sixteen years hence, bludgeoning every day, until I could no longer stand under the onslaught.

So I spoke.

And heard mid-sentence, that I had grossly misjudged, as one interrupted abruptly with, “Oh, that’s nothing. Let me tell you what happened to me!”

I sat in numb silence listening to descriptors of another’s battle and how they conquered, something like the Good Housekeeping™magazine column: “My Problem and How I Solved It.” My own pain discarded, minimized, trivialized, in light of her greater strength, her triumphant victory over evil.

I came out of my hole and saw my shadow. So will I hide for another six years? Or will I take the time to realize that others have no capacity to measure my story? To evaluate the depth of my wounds. I must self-triage. My pain had made my life unmanageable, therefore, I needed healing. There was no place to set my wound alongside another’s and allow them to measure which was greater. I was powerless over this and had simply mistaken a gentle face for a gentle heart. Yes, looks can be very deceiving. A sugar coated brick. Beauty masking the beast.

Grief still had several stages to process. One day, I might find a safe place to unfold the bloodied bandages and be anointed with the oil of kindness, but it is not here and today is not the day.

*  *  *  *  *

"You own everything that happened to you. 

Tell your stories.

If people wanted you to write warmly about them,

they should have behaved better."

~Anne Lamott

*  *  *  *  *

Uncompassionate people show us how not to be. This event happened over a year ago. I was unconsciously asking for something the other was unable to give. I was seeking one who could listen, empathize and say, “I’m here with you. I know this hurts. Let’s find a way out together.”

There are days when another has asked this of me. And I was unable to be this for them. This was also not the day for that. Two broken people cannot both save each other.

But since then, I have unbandaged and received ointment for this "wound" and it is healing. I have trusted confidants. I am learning to allow space and mindfulness for the grieving process of others and of myself. There is no timetable, no urgency. No expiry date by which we must expunge our lives of the anger, bargaining, denial, horror, guilt or excruciating tenderness surrounding the gaping wound of loss.

I am learning not to expect healing from others.

I am learning not to punish others for not being able to help me carry my grief.

I am learning how to give what I can when another needs a hand.

I am learning to blow a breath of kindness over my own pain and over the heat of another's trauma with my own attentive presence: “I’m here. I hear you. I’m so sorry for your pain.”

I'm learning to not give impatient advice, how not to voice platitudes, cheery gloss-overs or declarations regarding reasons, sovereignty or grace; anything which may diminish the importance and necessity of grieving.

I'm learning to simply say:

“I’m with you.”

If you ask, I will share, if I can, what I can, in that moment; one beggar showing another where to find bread.

The Hard and the Beautiful: How Healing From Hurt Can Help Others

Yesterday, I spent an hour in the studio as part of a project some friends are producing regarding grief recovery and coping with the holidays after losing someone you love. I was asked all sorts of questions and told some of my story after my first husband, Brent, died - the journey of grief, what kinds of remarks, advice and attempts at comfort from others were helpful or unhelpful, how friends held me together, how some parts of the journey I just had to walk by myself, how faith and doubt impacted the process and finally, how we remember him on special days.

One reflection came out of my son's recent wedding. He had chosen his favorite photo of his dad from 1990. Brent is rocking aviator sunglasses, a fabulous 'stache and wearing acid-wash jeans while feeding the pigeons in Piazza San Marco, Venice. They put the snapshot in a small frame which the florist then wired into the bride's wedding bouquet. In this way, they honoured Brent's memory and included him in their wedding day. We also included tributes to Brent's influence and legacy in our speeches during the reception. There was also a memorial table set up at the reception which included my father's guitar, given to my son after he passed away, and photos of my parents, Brent and his sister, the bride's grandfather, and a dear family friend: special people on both sides of the family who have passed away but whom we would have desperately loved to have present. They had a candle burning with a note indicating it burns in memory of those we love who could not be with us.

Another healing practice I introduced our first Christmas without Brent. We had already planned for his brother and family to be with us, so we decided not to change plans, even though we'd just been together for the memorial service only a week prior. It felt really important to not make any significant changes and we wanted stay closely connected to each other because grief was so raw. I found a candle-lighting ceremony on-line that included reflections for a new holiday healing tradition using four or five candles, modelled after an advent wreath. I tweaked it to make it personal for our family. An explanation and a copy of the brief text is available at this link.

I've also asked the question on Facebook about what others found helpful or hurtful during their grieving journey and I have been honored to hear many stories, both in the comments and in private messages I have received.

Do you have any stories to share of how you lived through and began to heal from the hurt of trauma and bereavement? How others helped you or wounded you further? Please share them in the comments or email me at north59lite@me.com.

It seems the more we are able to tell our story in a safe place to compassionate hearts, we heal just a little bit more.

January Inventory

So much of what I'm reading online these days sounds like many of you are experiencing post-Christmas crash and crush from looking at all the coming challenges of the new year. A few stave off January darkness by snowbirding south or snowboarding north. Those who can't escape bear down to work harder or smarter, resolve to declutter, lose weight, exercise more, make a life plan, do this, do that - all good things - but the undercurrent carries the despairing sense that we've been here before and nothing is ever good enough to exact lasting change.

Some are obsessed with "doing", goal setting and comparing (10 ways to Declutter, Four Steps to Improving, 7 Habits, The Best Way to Do the Right Stuff for the Wrong Reasons). Or learned apathy drives others to refuse, rebel, or mock the "resolutioners" with cynical humour or outright Debbie Downer criticism.

The depth, cold and darkness of winter, creeping age, fatigue, chronic pain all take their toll. Yet we seek to do, be, act, live better because our very nature is imprinted with the creative drive to do so.

I write this because I recognize the cycle in myself. The bleak midwinter wants to bury me emotionally under the long nights and piled snow. I have found some specific actions have made a lasting change for me. These are habits of which I still must remind myself daily. There are apps available to help track and/or remind me of activities and goals. Change does not happen overnight and even after good progress is made, change in circumstances or relationships (job, death, birth, marriage, etc.) unearth areas that have not previously been addressed. I'll list the order in which I began to tackle my own problem areas, but I don't think there is a particular formula. This is not a "how to" but rather a "what helped me" blog post. Start where you are, where you feel you are ready (or completely desperate) for change.

A. Emotional Health

I started here about five years ago. There is no easy button, no quick fix. I just knew I was a mess. Angry, overweight, depressed, and in deep need of healing.

We cannot heal what we don’t acknowledge. I addressed this in a two-pronged approach: support groups and professional counseling. I realized I was powerless over compulsive behavior and the tendency to do the wrong thing. I would often lose my temper with family and others. I saw the toll this was taking on everyone. My life had become unmanageable and I realized I needed help. I attended Freedom Session, http://freedomsession.org/  a modified 12-Step group based on emotional healing and the power of God. It provided tools that helped move me forward from where I was stuck in my hurts, habits and hang-ups. I learned to get out of denial, stop lying to myself, stop the blame game and identify the original wound being triggered by current events. It helped me learn how to heal.

In addition, I had been seeing a clinical psychologist for a number of years, since my son was born. When I started in 1994, I was suffering from post-partum depression but it was undiagnosed for three years. Later on, I met with her on occasion when life got overwhelming. I continue this practice. A professional is trained to support you in ways your friends and pastor cannot.

B. Mental Health.

Professional clinical counseling is also a great aid in mental health and intellectual processing, and I also cannot emphasize too strongly the need for many to have medication which helps resolve the chemical imbalance of the brain which often leads to irrational thought. Just as we take medication to keep our blood pressure stable or insulin to help diabetic conditions or other medicines which replace functions of organs that may have been damaged, we also must see there is NO stigma to taking medication to help the most important organ, our brain, to function as it is designed.

If our brains are working as they should, then we can reason and learn and absorb and make effective, healthy decisions. One way is through reading experts or inspirational writing which educates and encourages us and helps us to understand and act differently, in ways that will help us rather than harm us.

I read two significant books which assisted me in understanding two key areas in which I was stuck: perfectionism and discontent. Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" helped me stop beating myself up for always falling short of my ridiculously high expectations. And Ann Voskamp's "1000 Gifts" was a dare to live fully by opening my eyes to the beauty right in front of me, large and small, every day. To see it all as a gift. “Nothing is a given. Everything is a gift.”

C. Physical Health

I saw my doctor on a regular basis, yet I often did not disclose to him the true nature of how I was feeling until I was in crisis. My late husband struggled with depression and anxiety and this greatly impacted our relationship. While I could not help him, I had to help myself. Like the airlines caution you about the oxygen masks, you need to put your own on before you help others, I needed to get better myself so I could be of any use to him. Sadlly, he refused to see a counselor, a medical doctor or to consider medication for his condition, and this ultimately resulted in his suicide.

I put depression and anxiety under the “physical health” column because I believe the majority of these conditions start from physical causes, not “wrong thinking” or “spiritual failure”.

I decided to see a Naturopath who specialized in food sensitivities. She identified my intolerance for wheat in all forms and I eliminated it from my diet. I experienced an immediate lift in my physical health. The chronic heartburn almost immediately disappeared. My hiatal hernia stopped acting up, except in high stress situations. The Naturopath also put me on a regimine of vitamins, supplements and natural remedies for stress and anxiety. I began to feel better than I had for decades. I also significantly reduced my intake of soft drinks like Coke, stimulants like coffee and replaced them with unsweetened juices, herbal teas, water or club soda. I also reduced my sugar intake, which reduces inflammation and cravings.

After eight months I was finally ready to tackle my body shape and fitness. I set before me the goal of health, not just a certain body shape or a target weight. Exercise to feel good, not to feed your ego. Physical exertion in safe ways releases reward endorphins in your brain which help you feel good. I jump-started my program by signing up with a personal trainer.  I would arrive at our session feeling down, tired, discouraged and invariably I would leave rejuvenated and happy. On Nov. 27, 2012, I posted: “Amazing, how being pushed past my own perceived physical limits by my skilled trainer helps me see how strong I really am. Feels good. Taking nothing for granted. So grateful for this new period of health.”

There are also direct links between my nutritional intake and my emotional and mental health. I must drink at least two litres of water per day and eat balanced, whole foods, minimizing prepared foods high in salt and sugar (hint: choose foods that don’t have an ingredient label). Don’t be obsessed by tracking any one thing or denying yourself. Any extreme is unhelpful. To eliminate or emphasize any one food group (i.e. low carb diet, vegan, high-protein, and so on) is to put ourselves at risk to physical, emotional and mental disease, not getting the holistic natural nutrition our body and mind need to live in optimal health.

D. Spiritual Health

I have always believed in the power of the scriptures, as the Living Word of God, to be spiritual food, a truth anchor in the midst of mood swings, or a thermostat that controls the emotional temperature of my life, a fertile garden where I can grow and gain wisdom. Two other significant books I read during this time were Brennan Manning’s “The Furious Longing of God” that helped me understand how much God pursues me, is crazy about me, and loves me completely. As you can understand, this goes a long way toward emotional healing as well as spiritual. The other book was “The Inner Voice of Love”. This is Henri Nouwen's journal from the most difficult period of his life, when he suddenly lost his self-esteem,  his energy to live and work, his sense of being loved, even his hope in God. Although he experienced excruciating anguish and despair, he was still able to keep a journal in which he wrote a spiritual imperative to himself each day that emerged from his conversations with friends and supporters. I found it not only resonated but encouraged me – a spiritual leader who was also depressed yet learned to see God and hear God’s voice in the darkness.

On Nov. 27 I also posted, “Some have lost faith because of terrible circumstances. Isn't that the time when you would most want to rely on God's strength, comfort, healing and love?” Please know that a few years before, I had nearly despaired and seriously questioned God’s love and goodness, due to very difficult circumstances of my life, but this statement shows the distance I had come in healing from that wounded place to the present moment of wanting to rely on God.

Little did I know that one week later my husband of 31 years would die by suicide. The presence of God in the moments and days following was so tangible, I could physically feel myself being held, covered, carried, by Love.

I don’t know where I would have been or how I would have survived if I had still been in the days of pain and denial. Sometimes these traumatic situations force us to a life change or a break down. I began reading the scripture again with renewed vigor, for all the strength I felt draining away in the crush of preparations needed to be restored. For months afterward I soaked in the trilogy of books written by Dr. David Benner: “Surrender to Love” which helped me discover the heart of Christian Spirituality, “The Gift of Being Yourself”, the sacred call to self-discovery, and “Desiring God’s Will”, which is all about aligning my heart with the heart of God.

Since those days two years ago, I have studied to become a spiritual director but found I am not yet emotionally strong enough to bear the deep burdens of others who are still in a very wounded place. I hope, one day, to delve more fully into this field.

E. Relational Health

Life is best lived in community. We clearly see what happens to those kept in solitary confinement. A supportive group of family and friends who encourage us, have the courage to care enough to confront us when needed, keep us accountable and point out where we might need to practice more healthy habits and behaviors.

I had two small groups: one of just a few women and a mixed group of six couples I/we met with on a weekly basis, some more often on a social basis: one on one for coffee and/or Bible study or just social time. They were my confidants, my soul-sisters, my brothers in Christ. I could tell them just about anything and know they would keep it in confidence, pray for me, help me work through it, even give wise advice if I asked. Several times, especially after my first husband’s death, I felt a great restlessness and was tempted to do something impulsive like quit my job or sell the house or run away. I would call one of those small group members and meet with them and they helped keep me steady. I am deeply indebted to each one who held me and helped me in my weak times.

So, there you have it. A long list of things I have done and continue to do. Through it all, I learned if I want to be different I have to BE different. Don’t continue doing the same things. Make the hard choice to do something more effective and keep it up, one day at a time, one step at a time.

F. Recreational Health

Finally, creative and recreational outlets are also important to having fun and getting moving in fun and enjoyable ways. I took up photography, glass fusion, swimming, hiking, camping, singing and renewed my writing, blogging and poetry. I even dabble in art and sketching and took a turn at scuba and parasailing. Others quilt, knit, crochet, cross-stitch, ride horses or motorcycles, snowshoe, ski, skydive, and the list is endless. These are the things that bring zest to life, the reason we want to be healthy – to enjoy all the good gifts in God’s beautiful creation.

I’m still in process, but I’m healthier now than I have ever been in every area I have discussed. I don’t take this for granted – I have to choose this every single day. I still battle areas where I haven’t yet had healing but I am so grateful for the life I have, the friends and family who support me and the God who created me to live in this kind of freedom.

I hope you might be helped by something here. If you have other books or practices that have helped you get unstuck and you would like to post about it in the comments, feel free.

Now go live and laugh and love.

Blessings,

Joyce

You Deserve It

“I’m so happy for you. You deserve this!”

My friend Susan and I were talking yesterday and rejoicing in the beautiful love I’m experiencing in my marriage.

It’s a lovely sentiment expressed by a caring friend. It’s not the first time I’ve heard something similar to this. Yet, every time, I recoil at the word, “deserve”.

“I don’t feel like I deserve anything,” I said.

Why is that?

My friend means it as an encouragement but somehow I hear it with foreboding, unworthiness, even guilt. It seems inherent in the phrase is the suggestion that “deserve” smacks of entitlement. Like I’ve somehow earned the right to be happy.

Deserve? What do I deserve? Sure I’ve had my share of sadness. Even in that phrase, there is a comparative term: “my share”. As if, somehow, I have “paid my dues” and now I have “earned” the right to be happy.

Life is not a competition, although many might view it that way. Some even find it motivating to “work hard, apply myself, so I can reap the benefits and earn what I’m worth.”

“It’s endemic in our religious upbringing,” Susan quickly points out. I know immediately what she means. We know we can’t earn salvation, that because of sin we deserve the punishment of death, therefore we don’t deserve the grace that God lavishes upon us. It’s unmerited favor. That’s why it’s grace. It’s a free gift.

Rather than take this blog into a long, heated discussion of differing theological points of view – like some of my early family holiday dinner conversations (shudder – can you say “indigestion”?) think about how much of life is competitive.

“Faster, Higher, Stronger”
“Auditions will be held…”
“Job competition”
“Performance bonus”
“The Top 40” (this week)
“You get out of this what you put into it”
“I must be living right” or “I can’t do anything right”
“I really worked hard for this”

We track games, races, sports scores and team records, tracking stats and doing analysis at the micro level to find yet one more way to give comparative status to the value of each player or athlete. If we take Second Place by one-hundredth of a second, the only title given is “Loser”.

We have regular performance evaluations in our workplace and annual salary reviews, which determine our compensation for services rendered. There are salary grids for different job classes and corporate guidelines about how quickly one can move up in their range. Bonuses, commissions, profit-sharing are all based on “What have you done for me lately?” There are companies that specialize in quantifying the value of a role and creating quantifiable measures for individual experience and skill.

Profit is good, loss is bad. We strive to choose the best financial products to achieve the highest possible return on investment (ROI). We seek out the “most reputable” advice and “most comprehensive” research and investment advisors with the best track record in financial markets.
Ultimately, the assumed truism is: “You earn what you deserve” or “You deserve what you earn”.

On the other hand, there are other voices using terms like:

“It’s God’s will/sovereignty/plan/judgment/punishment.”
“Karma!”
“How lucky can you get?”
“How fortunate!”
“Just my luck!”
“The odds were against me.”
“The tide is turning in my favor.”
“The whole universe just waits for me to get cocky, then slams me down.”
“We lost because I attended the game, I’m bad luck.”
“You must have a horseshoe up your a**.”
“It just wasn’t in the stars.”
“It’s destined to fail.”
“That was a fluke.”
“It’s like magic.”

This second list reflects an opposite extreme to the first list. I’m sure philosophers, psychologists, social scientists and theologians all have their own terminology for these two opposing world views regarding our “deservedness” for blessings and benefits. I’m not going to research specific terms or cite scholarly sources (although the OCD side of me really wants to).

I want to get back to “You deserve this”. It seems this phrase could be used with equal convictions on both sides of the pendulum: grace or works. In my case, I fault on the “I didn’t earn it” side. (Please don’t comment on how worthy I am. I don’t write this to solicit any reassurances of my deservedness. In fact, I tend to dismiss that kind of sentiment).

I know when I’m giving my best and when I’m not. I know that many sad things have happened in my life and I spent more of the last couple decades grieving than celebrating. Yet I also crave affirmation when I have done a good job at something that mattered ANYTHING. In fact, I’ve spent my life measuring my worth by the applause of people. More recently, I’ve fought back against this compulsion and begun to understand the true measure of my worth is found in who I am, not what I do (but that’s another blog for another day).

I’m coming to the conclusion here that the key factor in any of this “deservedness” is not how I come to receive blessing or bounty, but rather, “Am I thankful?” Do I have a heart of gratitude? Do I have eyes to see the myriad of gifts that I have received?

When I am in a hard or dark place, I often think about the scripture’s instruction in the Apostle Paul’s epistle to the Philippians: “Don’t worry about anything. Tell God what you need. Thank Him for everything he’s already done and peace will follow” (my paraphrase of Phil. 4:6).

I believe “every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of Lights” (James 1:17) and so God is the direct person to whom I offer thanks. But I don’t, not for one moment, believe that God gives these gifts because I deserve them. He gives them out of his rich generosity. Because God is love and all goodness, and thus, cannot give anything other than what is ultimately good for those who love him. He is a father who delights in giving good gifts to his children. Just like you.

So, whether I deserve it or not, I am grateful. And as I was looking for a proper conclusion to this musing, I thought of the phrase “after you have suffered a little while…”

It’s from 1 Peter 5:5-11

“… Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”  (ESV, emphasis mine)

Yes, I have suffered. Just like every person on earth suffers. Perhaps more, perhaps less. Some of my suffering has been by my own hand, poor choices or sinful decisions. These have been and continue to be confessed, forsaken and forgiven because Jesus died and rose again to pay the price for that 2,000 years ago. Thanks be to God!

Other suffering I’ve endured (sometimes not so patiently) has come by the hands of others who put me down, rejected, abused or abandoned me. All of this is in process of being healed, as I release it and extend forgiveness where needed. I am being restored. I am, through this process, being confirmed in my thoughts and attitudes. I am being strengthened and established not only in my faith but in the safe, caring harbor of a loving marriage.

Thanks be to God, who daily loads us with benefits. (Psalm 68:19, paraphrase)

Undeserved favor.

Grace.

I am SO grateful.