Think of the Children

I passed two women chatting in the grocery aisle last week. One had her son with her. He was, perhaps, ten years old. She was speaking angrily in catastrophic terms about the crisis. His face, I noticed was pale and strained.

For kids, it's important to remember if we aren't paying attention, they will draw their own conclusions without the maturity and experience to be able to discern what is real and what is imagined. Fear can be an overwhelming burden that expresses itself in stomach trouble, headaches, acting out and more.

Disclaimer: I'm not a mental health professional. I used to work in an elementary school. I raised one son of my own. I grew up with seven siblings in a busy family. I lost my first husband to mental health issues. So I have read and implemented a number of coping strategies. In my own growth journey, I continue to untangle and debunk a lifetime of fear-based lies I assumed as truth from my childhood experiences. While I had a caring family upbringing, it was a big family and being the youngest, I often was overlooked and heard things not meant for me. I gave these out of context remarks inappropriate meaning and import, misinterpreting them because I didn't have an adult perspective and the adults had no clue about what I was thinking and feeling.

So, I offer here a few suggestions you may find helpful in navigating this already challenging time. I want to especially highlight the simple but important blue section above for those of you who have kids. Let this be a springboard for your own ideas and research.

1. Reassure your child(ren) that they're safe.

This is not about just spewing platitudes and clichés to get past dealing with their Big Feelings. Hold your child, comfort them. Avoid unloading your own fears onto them. Look them in the eyes, speak kindly, promise your care, your presence, your help, your protection. Use words like "I'm here for you. I'm looking out for you and I'll do everything in my power to make sure you are safe." Then live it out!

2. Let them talk about their worries.

Affirm that you hear them. Don't discount what they're feeling or shame them by saying "You shouldn't feel that way." Use words like "I know it can be hard. These are really big feelings sometimes, when we're going through something brand new." Ask a simple question or two to draw them out, and listen carefully, rather than just talking at them or telling them facts. Get involved in a craft with them. When children are doing something with their hands, sometimes they can more easily talk about what's going on in their mind. Be available and be present.

3. Share your own coping skills (for starter ideas, see the yellow and green squares).

What works for you may not work for the kids you love. Try different strategies. Ask them what helps them calm down or solve problems. Explore the Understood website for solid advice on navigating this current Covid-19 crisis.

4. Limit their exposure. 

And your own. Too much news, too much discussion, can be overwhelming and many news reports border on the dramatic and unusual, sometimes downright fear-mongering. The situation is changing every day. Screen the news by yourself (or just leave it off) and let your kids be kids.

5. Create and routine and structure.

Have regular mealtimes and bedtimes. Quiet times. Chores. Outdoor time. Baking. Board games. Yoga. Exercise. Game time. Make lists. Make "laughing a lot" the first goal. Here's one place to start informing yourself on how to create structure with children.

Like I said, I'm no expert and this is a small potpourri of a few small ways to make a difference. I'd love to know what you're doing and what works. Comment below.

January Inventory

So much of what I'm reading online these days sounds like many of you are experiencing post-Christmas crash and crush from looking at all the coming challenges of the new year. A few stave off January darkness by snowbirding south or snowboarding north. Those who can't escape bear down to work harder or smarter, resolve to declutter, lose weight, exercise more, make a life plan, do this, do that - all good things - but the undercurrent carries the despairing sense that we've been here before and nothing is ever good enough to exact lasting change.

Some are obsessed with "doing", goal setting and comparing (10 ways to Declutter, Four Steps to Improving, 7 Habits, The Best Way to Do the Right Stuff for the Wrong Reasons). Or learned apathy drives others to refuse, rebel, or mock the "resolutioners" with cynical humour or outright Debbie Downer criticism.

The depth, cold and darkness of winter, creeping age, fatigue, chronic pain all take their toll. Yet we seek to do, be, act, live better because our very nature is imprinted with the creative drive to do so.

I write this because I recognize the cycle in myself. The bleak midwinter wants to bury me emotionally under the long nights and piled snow. I have found some specific actions have made a lasting change for me. These are habits of which I still must remind myself daily. There are apps available to help track and/or remind me of activities and goals. Change does not happen overnight and even after good progress is made, change in circumstances or relationships (job, death, birth, marriage, etc.) unearth areas that have not previously been addressed. I'll list the order in which I began to tackle my own problem areas, but I don't think there is a particular formula. This is not a "how to" but rather a "what helped me" blog post. Start where you are, where you feel you are ready (or completely desperate) for change.

A. Emotional Health

I started here about five years ago. There is no easy button, no quick fix. I just knew I was a mess. Angry, overweight, depressed, and in deep need of healing.

We cannot heal what we don’t acknowledge. I addressed this in a two-pronged approach: support groups and professional counseling. I realized I was powerless over compulsive behavior and the tendency to do the wrong thing. I would often lose my temper with family and others. I saw the toll this was taking on everyone. My life had become unmanageable and I realized I needed help. I attended Freedom Session, http://freedomsession.org/  a modified 12-Step group based on emotional healing and the power of God. It provided tools that helped move me forward from where I was stuck in my hurts, habits and hang-ups. I learned to get out of denial, stop lying to myself, stop the blame game and identify the original wound being triggered by current events. It helped me learn how to heal.

In addition, I had been seeing a clinical psychologist for a number of years, since my son was born. When I started in 1994, I was suffering from post-partum depression but it was undiagnosed for three years. Later on, I met with her on occasion when life got overwhelming. I continue this practice. A professional is trained to support you in ways your friends and pastor cannot.

B. Mental Health.

Professional clinical counseling is also a great aid in mental health and intellectual processing, and I also cannot emphasize too strongly the need for many to have medication which helps resolve the chemical imbalance of the brain which often leads to irrational thought. Just as we take medication to keep our blood pressure stable or insulin to help diabetic conditions or other medicines which replace functions of organs that may have been damaged, we also must see there is NO stigma to taking medication to help the most important organ, our brain, to function as it is designed.

If our brains are working as they should, then we can reason and learn and absorb and make effective, healthy decisions. One way is through reading experts or inspirational writing which educates and encourages us and helps us to understand and act differently, in ways that will help us rather than harm us.

I read two significant books which assisted me in understanding two key areas in which I was stuck: perfectionism and discontent. Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" helped me stop beating myself up for always falling short of my ridiculously high expectations. And Ann Voskamp's "1000 Gifts" was a dare to live fully by opening my eyes to the beauty right in front of me, large and small, every day. To see it all as a gift. “Nothing is a given. Everything is a gift.”

C. Physical Health

I saw my doctor on a regular basis, yet I often did not disclose to him the true nature of how I was feeling until I was in crisis. My late husband struggled with depression and anxiety and this greatly impacted our relationship. While I could not help him, I had to help myself. Like the airlines caution you about the oxygen masks, you need to put your own on before you help others, I needed to get better myself so I could be of any use to him. Sadlly, he refused to see a counselor, a medical doctor or to consider medication for his condition, and this ultimately resulted in his suicide.

I put depression and anxiety under the “physical health” column because I believe the majority of these conditions start from physical causes, not “wrong thinking” or “spiritual failure”.

I decided to see a Naturopath who specialized in food sensitivities. She identified my intolerance for wheat in all forms and I eliminated it from my diet. I experienced an immediate lift in my physical health. The chronic heartburn almost immediately disappeared. My hiatal hernia stopped acting up, except in high stress situations. The Naturopath also put me on a regimine of vitamins, supplements and natural remedies for stress and anxiety. I began to feel better than I had for decades. I also significantly reduced my intake of soft drinks like Coke, stimulants like coffee and replaced them with unsweetened juices, herbal teas, water or club soda. I also reduced my sugar intake, which reduces inflammation and cravings.

After eight months I was finally ready to tackle my body shape and fitness. I set before me the goal of health, not just a certain body shape or a target weight. Exercise to feel good, not to feed your ego. Physical exertion in safe ways releases reward endorphins in your brain which help you feel good. I jump-started my program by signing up with a personal trainer.  I would arrive at our session feeling down, tired, discouraged and invariably I would leave rejuvenated and happy. On Nov. 27, 2012, I posted: “Amazing, how being pushed past my own perceived physical limits by my skilled trainer helps me see how strong I really am. Feels good. Taking nothing for granted. So grateful for this new period of health.”

There are also direct links between my nutritional intake and my emotional and mental health. I must drink at least two litres of water per day and eat balanced, whole foods, minimizing prepared foods high in salt and sugar (hint: choose foods that don’t have an ingredient label). Don’t be obsessed by tracking any one thing or denying yourself. Any extreme is unhelpful. To eliminate or emphasize any one food group (i.e. low carb diet, vegan, high-protein, and so on) is to put ourselves at risk to physical, emotional and mental disease, not getting the holistic natural nutrition our body and mind need to live in optimal health.

D. Spiritual Health

I have always believed in the power of the scriptures, as the Living Word of God, to be spiritual food, a truth anchor in the midst of mood swings, or a thermostat that controls the emotional temperature of my life, a fertile garden where I can grow and gain wisdom. Two other significant books I read during this time were Brennan Manning’s “The Furious Longing of God” that helped me understand how much God pursues me, is crazy about me, and loves me completely. As you can understand, this goes a long way toward emotional healing as well as spiritual. The other book was “The Inner Voice of Love”. This is Henri Nouwen's journal from the most difficult period of his life, when he suddenly lost his self-esteem,  his energy to live and work, his sense of being loved, even his hope in God. Although he experienced excruciating anguish and despair, he was still able to keep a journal in which he wrote a spiritual imperative to himself each day that emerged from his conversations with friends and supporters. I found it not only resonated but encouraged me – a spiritual leader who was also depressed yet learned to see God and hear God’s voice in the darkness.

On Nov. 27 I also posted, “Some have lost faith because of terrible circumstances. Isn't that the time when you would most want to rely on God's strength, comfort, healing and love?” Please know that a few years before, I had nearly despaired and seriously questioned God’s love and goodness, due to very difficult circumstances of my life, but this statement shows the distance I had come in healing from that wounded place to the present moment of wanting to rely on God.

Little did I know that one week later my husband of 31 years would die by suicide. The presence of God in the moments and days following was so tangible, I could physically feel myself being held, covered, carried, by Love.

I don’t know where I would have been or how I would have survived if I had still been in the days of pain and denial. Sometimes these traumatic situations force us to a life change or a break down. I began reading the scripture again with renewed vigor, for all the strength I felt draining away in the crush of preparations needed to be restored. For months afterward I soaked in the trilogy of books written by Dr. David Benner: “Surrender to Love” which helped me discover the heart of Christian Spirituality, “The Gift of Being Yourself”, the sacred call to self-discovery, and “Desiring God’s Will”, which is all about aligning my heart with the heart of God.

Since those days two years ago, I have studied to become a spiritual director but found I am not yet emotionally strong enough to bear the deep burdens of others who are still in a very wounded place. I hope, one day, to delve more fully into this field.

E. Relational Health

Life is best lived in community. We clearly see what happens to those kept in solitary confinement. A supportive group of family and friends who encourage us, have the courage to care enough to confront us when needed, keep us accountable and point out where we might need to practice more healthy habits and behaviors.

I had two small groups: one of just a few women and a mixed group of six couples I/we met with on a weekly basis, some more often on a social basis: one on one for coffee and/or Bible study or just social time. They were my confidants, my soul-sisters, my brothers in Christ. I could tell them just about anything and know they would keep it in confidence, pray for me, help me work through it, even give wise advice if I asked. Several times, especially after my first husband’s death, I felt a great restlessness and was tempted to do something impulsive like quit my job or sell the house or run away. I would call one of those small group members and meet with them and they helped keep me steady. I am deeply indebted to each one who held me and helped me in my weak times.

So, there you have it. A long list of things I have done and continue to do. Through it all, I learned if I want to be different I have to BE different. Don’t continue doing the same things. Make the hard choice to do something more effective and keep it up, one day at a time, one step at a time.

F. Recreational Health

Finally, creative and recreational outlets are also important to having fun and getting moving in fun and enjoyable ways. I took up photography, glass fusion, swimming, hiking, camping, singing and renewed my writing, blogging and poetry. I even dabble in art and sketching and took a turn at scuba and parasailing. Others quilt, knit, crochet, cross-stitch, ride horses or motorcycles, snowshoe, ski, skydive, and the list is endless. These are the things that bring zest to life, the reason we want to be healthy – to enjoy all the good gifts in God’s beautiful creation.

I’m still in process, but I’m healthier now than I have ever been in every area I have discussed. I don’t take this for granted – I have to choose this every single day. I still battle areas where I haven’t yet had healing but I am so grateful for the life I have, the friends and family who support me and the God who created me to live in this kind of freedom.

I hope you might be helped by something here. If you have other books or practices that have helped you get unstuck and you would like to post about it in the comments, feel free.

Now go live and laugh and love.

Blessings,

Joyce

Hold On

I am the widow of a dear man who died by suicide. In light of Robin Williams' death, I pray some of the following thoughts will bring perspective and offer guidelines on how you can respond in ways that help instead of creating further wounds.

My late husband was a fun guy, a respected businessman, a huge hockey and football fan, a loyal friend and a dedicated family man. That he would die by suicide is the LAST thing any of us who knew him would have expected. It was completely out of character for a man who spent his life trying to make others laugh, trying to lighten a mood, trying to make work life better for all his colleagues.

This is the devastating effect of depression and anxiety. The brain does not work as it should. No amount of self-discipline, determination, right thinking or willpower can change it. It is a physical disease which alters the brain. Treatment may help, but there is no cure.

The stigma regarding depression and anxiety, the societal bias and condemnation of those who suffer from it or the families who have lived alongside it (and the complete ignorance that some express about this) are some of the reasons my husband did not seek out professional help. He did not speak of it and, in fact, lived a very productive, rewarding life for many years.

I want to express my thanks to those who provide thoughtful, informed and compassionate fact-based responses regarding depression, anxiety and suicide. I am deeply grateful to you for doing your part to shed light on these tragic diseases.

To those who are less informed, please educate yourselves about diseases of the brain. Expressing opinions on any forum may be your right, but in matters of life, death and trauma, please do your research and consider carefully before you post opinions publicly. When my husband died, an innocent son and wife were unfairly subjected to cruel judgments and well–meaning but misguided "helpful suggestions" published on the internet in various forums.

Imagine yourself in the shoes of those left behind. reading your remarks when they've just lost the person they hold most dear in a shocking and unexpected trauma.

When a suicide happens, my heart breaks for those affected: the direct witnesses, the first responders and many more. I pray they find the help and comfort they need to process and move through this tragic event.

In the case of a talented and impactful actor like Robin Williams, we become secondary witness to his death. Do not brush aside lightly the impact of the deep-seated legacy this tragedy leaves. I would encourage you to seek help for processing your own response to this or any similar trauma.

As for publicly expressing your response, please remember that what you say matters. Can I encourage you to practice kindness? It costs you nothing and means everything. Think twice before you speak on any matter. Become informed about depression and anxiety. It affects SO many people. Your friends, your family, perhaps even you. Stop the stigma. Disease in the brain is the same as any other disease and those suffering from it need to be treated with compassion, not cursing, silent steady presence, not "helpful" opinions.

My friend, Author Margaret Terry shares this wisdom: "People say 'You ARE depressed' but they don't say 'You *are* cancer' - they say you *have* cancer. Even the medical community is guilty of using this language that contributes to the shame of living with the darkness depression brings, shame that is not felt by people who *have* leukemia or heart disease. No one wants to feel they *are* their illness. My hope is that all this coverage and talk about the devastating symptoms of depression helps our culture understand depression is an illness with no cure. It can (possibly) be managed with medication that can sometimes offer remission. But it still remains a silent killer that infects families and friends of the person who suffers with it."

Encourage the government to fund more comprehensive research into the complexity of diseases that manifest themselves in the physical brain. We know so little about the brain. Better yet, become the researcher who does this work. Currently we only have a "chemical soup" - many differing drugs to "try" which bathe the entire brain, take far too long to work and create all sorts of difficult side effects. Then add counseling which is hugely subjective at best, toss in some misguided mantras about just "change your thinking and you'll be better."

In the depths of depression and in the panic of anxiety the one suffering sees no light. They feel completely alone and isolated. They lose perspective, and forget about those who love them. They lose interest in their abilities, their gifts, and their blessings. The single-minded focus is on the black darkness and the pain. The disease affects their thinking so that they cannot think rationally but they are convinced that they are rational. To think about doing even one thing is overwhelming so that even one simple piece of advice becomes a hammer blow.

They think only of the pain, from which they believe there is no escape. Hope disappears. No one has ever felt this way before. They feel that how their life is now is the way that it will always be. They think they are so broken, they cannot be fixed. That helpless, hopeless, desperate, eternal pain is made even worse by physical pain, darkness, shame, self-hatred, desperation, or any combination of these which seem to ultimately suggest only one alternative: Make the pain stop.

So, suicide is not even a choice, at the end of the day, because the one suffering feels they simply have no other choice.

Everyone is fighting a battle of some kind. Let's not begin offering glib solutions. The one suffering cannot hear it.

There is no easy button. There is no magic formula. Depression and anxiety should be afforded the same funding, research and respect as brain tumours, cancer, diabetes and chronic pain. No judgement, no stigma, no hiding, no whispering, no clucking or shaking ones head.

Yes, it is sad. Yes it is tragic. But it must never be final. The person in darkness today may very well be the person who stands beside you in your darkest hour. I know. I'm in a good place now but I've been on both sides.

Hold on.


For additional perspective, may I recommend Anne Lamott's post from August 12, 2014?

The Hard Part

My late husband suffered from depression and anxiety. He managed it well most of his life through self-control, hard work and tenacity, living a full and productive life, maintaining great relationships and attaining a modicum of success in his career in such a way that most people would never have known. Eventually, though, it got the better of him.

I've actually been asked questions like, "Which came first, anxiety or depression?" and "Was it a chemical imbalance, or was it flawed thinking?" and in less personal ways, those who experience mental health issues have faced the judgmental question, "Why couldn't you just trust Jesus?" These questions are all unhelpful and have no clear answer.

If you've even barely experienced this personally, you likely understand that there's no clear answer. You feel a little blue one day and don't perform as well as you would like. It continues longer than usual and you begin to get anxious about it. Then you become more discouraged because you are so uptight. As Christians, some of us were raised with the expectation that if we "just trust Jesus," we won't be depressed. I looked around at my life and all my physical and material comforts and thought, "My life is great, I have everything I need and more, there is NO reason why I should be unhappy." This leads to feelings of guilt for feeling sad and questions rise about my level of faith, chalking this up as just one more way I was falling short in my life. Shame and self-condemnation increase our feelings of failure, which brings more despondency, which creates anxiety, and thus begins a cycle that rapidly goes down a very dark path.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter whether depression or anxiety came first for me, or what caused things to spiral out of control. They both existed and they both grew.

Brent experienced a depression so dark and an anxiety so great that his mind began to convince him there was something wrong that couldn't be fixed. His general thought was, "Why seek medical help? Why take medication? Why consider psychological counselling? What's the point? I'm broken and I can't be fixed." This hopelessness shows in retrospect how much the disease had already changed his perception of reality.

An all-too-common catch phrase in certain Christian denominations is: "Jesus plus nothing." This has been erroneously used as an argument against seeking medical or psychological assistance for mental or emotional health issues. While it is true in the doctrine of salvation: it is through trusting Jesus alone that we receive salvation, it is not true with respect to the healing of physical or emotional illness. Insisting it is "Jesus plus nothing" for a broken leg, diabetes, or other physical ailments? This would be irresponsible. It is just as wrong to insist this is a rule regarding mental/emotional health.

God has provided science and medicine to assist in dealing with health issues of the body and mind. In our practical human experience, we need the community of professionals who are trained and familiar with the realities of our physical bodies, including the inter-workings of our brain, and the expert training of doctors who have expertise in these areas.

We are bearers of God's image. We are instructed in the scriptures to love God with all our heart (emotions), soul (spirit), mind (brain/intellect) and strength (body). Thus, we practice responsible stewardship and self-care in all these areas, in how we treat our physical bodies (how we care for them, what we put into them or on them, whether we get sufficient rest and proper nutrition, protecting ourselves from stress or overwork, etc.). While our thoughts and emotions can affect our physical body, our bodies can also affect our thoughts and emotions, and our spiritual condition can as well. It is all so integrated, we need a balanced and holistic approach, along with spiritual practices of worship, gratitude, prayer, and study of God's word. Relying on wisdom and discernment from the Holy Spirit in how we live our daily lives.

We are complex and amazing creatures. To say we could do all the right things and visit all the right medical, psychological or spiritual "experts" in order to be healed is to be foolish and presumptive. But if we are in that dark spiral, losing hope, we absolutely need to seek assistance. If you are there, do whatever you can to seek assistance in dealing with your particular situation. Ask a friend. Ask your doctor.

Please, do this. For God's sake and the sake of those who love you.