Back to Basics

The brow furrows, the logic stalls,
the blood boils, the teeth grind.

Sounds like the hot place,
but happens every day on facebook.
Those wrestling with issues
of money, sex and power
and/or faith and doubt
won't accept poetic words.

Sometimes that crowd includes me.

Back to basics:
"Be still and know I am God."

Election Epiphany

My election epiphany came Sunday night, watching the live stream of the prayer rally in Madison Square Gardens, led by Chris Tomlin, Matt Maher, Max Lucado and Louie Giglio.

When Louie began praying for Obama, then Clinton, then Trump, that God would bless them and give them wisdom, that he would surround them and make them wise leaders…

I realized, to my own shame, that as often as I have said we need to pray for our leaders, because the Bible tells us to, I didn't and I resisted what I heard Louie saying. I viewed them as my enemies. All evil.

I viewed the press the same way.

My realization is this: I feared "man" more than God.

The reality is this: These are human beings, loved by God. Christ died for each one of them. I need to love them - in humility and respect for the image bearer of God they were created to be and to pray against the influence of the enemy in their lives. All of them. Politicians and press alike.

Further, what if I prayed for every person that triggers my fear and anger? What if I talk to God about it instead of throwing my hands in the air, rolling my eyes, posting my view online, vowing to move or reaching for the wine?

God can and will work in this and every "unthinkable" situation for his glory and for the good of those who love him.

My only hope of change in my world is if I live by what I say I believe. And pray for them. See them as "us" and not "them".

The ground is level at the foot of the cross.

"Lord, to whom would we go? Only you have the words of eternal life." John 6:68



Photo credit: "Woman Kneeling in Prayer" - watercolor on paper by George Henry Boughton, on exhibit at The Walters Art Museum, Baltimore, MD. 

January Inventory

So much of what I'm reading online these days sounds like many of you are experiencing post-Christmas crash and crush from looking at all the coming challenges of the new year. A few stave off January darkness by snowbirding south or snowboarding north. Those who can't escape bear down to work harder or smarter, resolve to declutter, lose weight, exercise more, make a life plan, do this, do that - all good things - but the undercurrent carries the despairing sense that we've been here before and nothing is ever good enough to exact lasting change.

Some are obsessed with "doing", goal setting and comparing (10 ways to Declutter, Four Steps to Improving, 7 Habits, The Best Way to Do the Right Stuff for the Wrong Reasons). Or learned apathy drives others to refuse, rebel, or mock the "resolutioners" with cynical humour or outright Debbie Downer criticism.

The depth, cold and darkness of winter, creeping age, fatigue, chronic pain all take their toll. Yet we seek to do, be, act, live better because our very nature is imprinted with the creative drive to do so.

I write this because I recognize the cycle in myself. The bleak midwinter wants to bury me emotionally under the long nights and piled snow. I have found some specific actions have made a lasting change for me. These are habits of which I still must remind myself daily. There are apps available to help track and/or remind me of activities and goals. Change does not happen overnight and even after good progress is made, change in circumstances or relationships (job, death, birth, marriage, etc.) unearth areas that have not previously been addressed. I'll list the order in which I began to tackle my own problem areas, but I don't think there is a particular formula. This is not a "how to" but rather a "what helped me" blog post. Start where you are, where you feel you are ready (or completely desperate) for change.

A. Emotional Health

I started here about five years ago. There is no easy button, no quick fix. I just knew I was a mess. Angry, overweight, depressed, and in deep need of healing.

We cannot heal what we don’t acknowledge. I addressed this in a two-pronged approach: support groups and professional counseling. I realized I was powerless over compulsive behavior and the tendency to do the wrong thing. I would often lose my temper with family and others. I saw the toll this was taking on everyone. My life had become unmanageable and I realized I needed help. I attended Freedom Session, http://freedomsession.org/  a modified 12-Step group based on emotional healing and the power of God. It provided tools that helped move me forward from where I was stuck in my hurts, habits and hang-ups. I learned to get out of denial, stop lying to myself, stop the blame game and identify the original wound being triggered by current events. It helped me learn how to heal.

In addition, I had been seeing a clinical psychologist for a number of years, since my son was born. When I started in 1994, I was suffering from post-partum depression but it was undiagnosed for three years. Later on, I met with her on occasion when life got overwhelming. I continue this practice. A professional is trained to support you in ways your friends and pastor cannot.

B. Mental Health.

Professional clinical counseling is also a great aid in mental health and intellectual processing, and I also cannot emphasize too strongly the need for many to have medication which helps resolve the chemical imbalance of the brain which often leads to irrational thought. Just as we take medication to keep our blood pressure stable or insulin to help diabetic conditions or other medicines which replace functions of organs that may have been damaged, we also must see there is NO stigma to taking medication to help the most important organ, our brain, to function as it is designed.

If our brains are working as they should, then we can reason and learn and absorb and make effective, healthy decisions. One way is through reading experts or inspirational writing which educates and encourages us and helps us to understand and act differently, in ways that will help us rather than harm us.

I read two significant books which assisted me in understanding two key areas in which I was stuck: perfectionism and discontent. Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" helped me stop beating myself up for always falling short of my ridiculously high expectations. And Ann Voskamp's "1000 Gifts" was a dare to live fully by opening my eyes to the beauty right in front of me, large and small, every day. To see it all as a gift. “Nothing is a given. Everything is a gift.”

C. Physical Health

I saw my doctor on a regular basis, yet I often did not disclose to him the true nature of how I was feeling until I was in crisis. My late husband struggled with depression and anxiety and this greatly impacted our relationship. While I could not help him, I had to help myself. Like the airlines caution you about the oxygen masks, you need to put your own on before you help others, I needed to get better myself so I could be of any use to him. Sadlly, he refused to see a counselor, a medical doctor or to consider medication for his condition, and this ultimately resulted in his suicide.

I put depression and anxiety under the “physical health” column because I believe the majority of these conditions start from physical causes, not “wrong thinking” or “spiritual failure”.

I decided to see a Naturopath who specialized in food sensitivities. She identified my intolerance for wheat in all forms and I eliminated it from my diet. I experienced an immediate lift in my physical health. The chronic heartburn almost immediately disappeared. My hiatal hernia stopped acting up, except in high stress situations. The Naturopath also put me on a regimine of vitamins, supplements and natural remedies for stress and anxiety. I began to feel better than I had for decades. I also significantly reduced my intake of soft drinks like Coke, stimulants like coffee and replaced them with unsweetened juices, herbal teas, water or club soda. I also reduced my sugar intake, which reduces inflammation and cravings.

After eight months I was finally ready to tackle my body shape and fitness. I set before me the goal of health, not just a certain body shape or a target weight. Exercise to feel good, not to feed your ego. Physical exertion in safe ways releases reward endorphins in your brain which help you feel good. I jump-started my program by signing up with a personal trainer.  I would arrive at our session feeling down, tired, discouraged and invariably I would leave rejuvenated and happy. On Nov. 27, 2012, I posted: “Amazing, how being pushed past my own perceived physical limits by my skilled trainer helps me see how strong I really am. Feels good. Taking nothing for granted. So grateful for this new period of health.”

There are also direct links between my nutritional intake and my emotional and mental health. I must drink at least two litres of water per day and eat balanced, whole foods, minimizing prepared foods high in salt and sugar (hint: choose foods that don’t have an ingredient label). Don’t be obsessed by tracking any one thing or denying yourself. Any extreme is unhelpful. To eliminate or emphasize any one food group (i.e. low carb diet, vegan, high-protein, and so on) is to put ourselves at risk to physical, emotional and mental disease, not getting the holistic natural nutrition our body and mind need to live in optimal health.

D. Spiritual Health

I have always believed in the power of the scriptures, as the Living Word of God, to be spiritual food, a truth anchor in the midst of mood swings, or a thermostat that controls the emotional temperature of my life, a fertile garden where I can grow and gain wisdom. Two other significant books I read during this time were Brennan Manning’s “The Furious Longing of God” that helped me understand how much God pursues me, is crazy about me, and loves me completely. As you can understand, this goes a long way toward emotional healing as well as spiritual. The other book was “The Inner Voice of Love”. This is Henri Nouwen's journal from the most difficult period of his life, when he suddenly lost his self-esteem,  his energy to live and work, his sense of being loved, even his hope in God. Although he experienced excruciating anguish and despair, he was still able to keep a journal in which he wrote a spiritual imperative to himself each day that emerged from his conversations with friends and supporters. I found it not only resonated but encouraged me – a spiritual leader who was also depressed yet learned to see God and hear God’s voice in the darkness.

On Nov. 27 I also posted, “Some have lost faith because of terrible circumstances. Isn't that the time when you would most want to rely on God's strength, comfort, healing and love?” Please know that a few years before, I had nearly despaired and seriously questioned God’s love and goodness, due to very difficult circumstances of my life, but this statement shows the distance I had come in healing from that wounded place to the present moment of wanting to rely on God.

Little did I know that one week later my husband of 31 years would die by suicide. The presence of God in the moments and days following was so tangible, I could physically feel myself being held, covered, carried, by Love.

I don’t know where I would have been or how I would have survived if I had still been in the days of pain and denial. Sometimes these traumatic situations force us to a life change or a break down. I began reading the scripture again with renewed vigor, for all the strength I felt draining away in the crush of preparations needed to be restored. For months afterward I soaked in the trilogy of books written by Dr. David Benner: “Surrender to Love” which helped me discover the heart of Christian Spirituality, “The Gift of Being Yourself”, the sacred call to self-discovery, and “Desiring God’s Will”, which is all about aligning my heart with the heart of God.

Since those days two years ago, I have studied to become a spiritual director but found I am not yet emotionally strong enough to bear the deep burdens of others who are still in a very wounded place. I hope, one day, to delve more fully into this field.

E. Relational Health

Life is best lived in community. We clearly see what happens to those kept in solitary confinement. A supportive group of family and friends who encourage us, have the courage to care enough to confront us when needed, keep us accountable and point out where we might need to practice more healthy habits and behaviors.

I had two small groups: one of just a few women and a mixed group of six couples I/we met with on a weekly basis, some more often on a social basis: one on one for coffee and/or Bible study or just social time. They were my confidants, my soul-sisters, my brothers in Christ. I could tell them just about anything and know they would keep it in confidence, pray for me, help me work through it, even give wise advice if I asked. Several times, especially after my first husband’s death, I felt a great restlessness and was tempted to do something impulsive like quit my job or sell the house or run away. I would call one of those small group members and meet with them and they helped keep me steady. I am deeply indebted to each one who held me and helped me in my weak times.

So, there you have it. A long list of things I have done and continue to do. Through it all, I learned if I want to be different I have to BE different. Don’t continue doing the same things. Make the hard choice to do something more effective and keep it up, one day at a time, one step at a time.

F. Recreational Health

Finally, creative and recreational outlets are also important to having fun and getting moving in fun and enjoyable ways. I took up photography, glass fusion, swimming, hiking, camping, singing and renewed my writing, blogging and poetry. I even dabble in art and sketching and took a turn at scuba and parasailing. Others quilt, knit, crochet, cross-stitch, ride horses or motorcycles, snowshoe, ski, skydive, and the list is endless. These are the things that bring zest to life, the reason we want to be healthy – to enjoy all the good gifts in God’s beautiful creation.

I’m still in process, but I’m healthier now than I have ever been in every area I have discussed. I don’t take this for granted – I have to choose this every single day. I still battle areas where I haven’t yet had healing but I am so grateful for the life I have, the friends and family who support me and the God who created me to live in this kind of freedom.

I hope you might be helped by something here. If you have other books or practices that have helped you get unstuck and you would like to post about it in the comments, feel free.

Now go live and laugh and love.

Blessings,

Joyce

Not Good Friday

I almost wore the top today that I wore the day he died. It is Friday, just like that day. But it looked weird so I changed. Then I got the call this afternoon. Ugh. Another horrible news day.

“It’s a rare form of non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.”

My friend went went through her notes, mechanically reporting them to me because that’s the efficient person she is, making sure the necessary information is shared. Her husband is my friend, too. He’s a young 74 and the kindest man my husband and I have ever known. Together, they stood beside me at the medical examiner’s office as I identified my husband’s body. We are that close. We’ve grieved her sister’s husband and mine, now her husband’s cancer.

Her voice trembles uncharacteristically as she describes the rough manner of the oncologist and we realize without saying that she does not want to join me in widowhood. I give my head a shake. I shouldn’t think of worst case. Not yet. Not now. It is too soon to even go there. We will storm heaven and we will pray for healing. We will bring meals and hold each other close and say the things that need to be said and we will wash dishes and wash clothes and wash our faces after we have wept all night. This is the first step on a journey God knew before the foundation of time.

I search for words as we close our conversation and give her the caring cautions that I have learned over the last seven months.

“You need to remember to breathe,” I coach. “If you can, try to eat something nutritious. This is the time when you won’t feel like it, but you’ll need it for your strength. And try to rest, whenever you have opportunity. It is so important to practice self-care so that you can walk alongside him in this journey.”

She knows all this. I have long looked up to her as the consummate, all-together, mature, organized, brilliant, disciplined woman. The one who always takes care of things and makes sure everyone is included and cared for. She is top of the list in women I respect.

But I hear the edge of anger, understandably, at the poor bedside manner of the oncologist. Dealing with some of the worst possible news, you would think a professional could be more sensitive. Yes, he should be. He is, however, the lightning rod for the anger born of shock and fear at what will be a very challenging journey. A little tenderness would have cost him nothing.

I think of the one person who became the lightning rod at my husband’s death. “Remember,” I share with my friend, “That person is living in darkness. The only way he will see Light is if we share the light of Christ through our lives.”

She knows. “You’ve been here,” she says, “learning these lessons, haven’t you?”

These are lessons I didn't want to learn. They come out of necessity. They are necessary for survival and I must repeat them to myself every single day, I tell her. Remember to breathe. Remember to eat. Remember to sleep. Remember to love and shine and be kind. And remember to feel. Let yourself feel. Let yourself cry. It’s part of the journey. And remember to let yourself be loved, especially by the One who calls you His beloved.

The doctors and specialists have fast-tracked this. The tumour is inoperable, too risky, growing fast and pressing on his voice box. Radiation and chemo will start as soon as a treatment plan is established. The Tom Baker Cancer Centre is the next stop on Tuesday.

All my lessons learned of the grace of grief come flooding over me and I think, dear God, this is too much. Yet, I hear His voice saying this was no surprise:

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. 

Psalm 139:16

“I will be there for whatever you ask,” I reassure my friend. I have been through the lonesome valley and were it not for this couple, the journey would have been much darker. God will turn my misery into ministry and the favour I could never repay is now coming to fruition. I will stand with my friends, I will pray with them, weep with them, storm heaven with them, and hold them close.

And now, I beg you. Pray along with me as I walk this new journey with my dear friends. For healing, wisdom and strength. That the Love of God would be poured out in our hearts.

You are my strength when I am weak

You are the treasure that I seek

You are my all in all.

Jesus, Lamb of God,

Worthy is your name.

When I fall down You pick me up

When I am dry You fill my cup

You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God

Worthy is Your name

Words by Dennis Jernigan

Psychology 101: Dealing with Difficult People

Each of us has probably done something that hurt or disappointed someone else. The chances are remote that anyone intentionally says or does hurtful things. 

But what about careless words? thoughtless? impulsive? angry words?

Or no words at all?

Dead silence.

.

.

.

.

.

Or worse, ambivalent words. Non-committal. Disengaged. Feigned apathy.

“What would you like to do?”

“I don’t care.”

“Where would you like to eat?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Do you want A or B?”

“Whatever. You pick.”

And then when you pick, they aren't happy. But then, would they be happy in any case?

In my view, this is dysfunctional, juvenile and temperamental. It expresses a dog-in-the-manger attitude that says, “If I can’t be happy with my current circumstances, then no one else is going to enjoy themselves either”. The dis-engaged person isn't expressing his/her true needs, he/she is just expecting others to be a mind-reader and fulfill every desire. This is the worst kind of  prima donna attitude: “The world should just make me happy without me having to speak a word or lift a finger.” 

On occasion this behavior is revenge-based. "You didn't do what I wanted, (or you hurt me) so now you're going to pay the price." 

What’s sad is this behavior produces no change in either party.

In my experience, people who act this way usually fall into two camps. They either 1) really do have an over-inflated sense of their own self-importance and feel others should cater to their every whim, "Because I'm right!" or 2) they hate themselves and are behaving in a way that guarantees others will dislike them, thus confirming their bias against themselves. 

There are other possibilities, but these are the more common and both border on an irrational view of relationships. This type of person frequently creates drama and/or division in a family or friend group (“I’m not happy until you’re not happy”). They subconsciously want attention (and bad attention is better than no attention). They get their way through emotional blackmail but even when they get what they want, they are discontent because they had to ask for it. Then when you try to get them to see how they are acting, they withdraw, pout, make excuses: "I'm just tired", or turn the tables: "Who are you to talk? You were mean to me last week."

How do you deal with this kind of person if you’re stuck with them? 

1. Do you let them off the hook by finding excuses? “Oh, she’s in menopause” or “Oh, he’s under a lot of stress at work”. Or do you take the blame? "I must have done something wrong."
2. Do you care enough to confront? If you name their behavior for what it is, would they believe you? Are they capable of seeing the futility of their behavior? Do they even want to be different or are they genuinely mean-spirited? 
3. Or do you cut them off? Where does love, grace and forgiveness come in if they are unwilling to repent of this habitual conduct?

When Change Comes

Impending storm, SE Calgary

It started. Without warning. Without ceremony. Hardhat workmen appeared overnight with orange vests and heavy machinery, just over the rise. Throat constricting with panic, I run to see.

I spend hours each week, wandering the shore of this pond, sharing sacred space with a chorus of Canada geese, crazy laughing loons and squawking gulls. One memorable series of days includes a migration of geese so dense the sky was dark with their waves. Wing upon wing, clouds lifting and lighting on the water. I photograph sunrise flamingo pink and purple, sunset blazing orange and fire, wildflowers on the bank framing wilderness pathway. I walk midst golden fall of aspen and birch, return to gentle waves lapping, worshipping the Creator of fowl and flora, earth and wind under bluebell sky.

Female Common Golden Eye with her brood of chicks, Carburn Park

Now standing on top of the rise, my worst fears are realized. I hear the death sentence declared with a loud roar from the backhoe as it digs a deep scar, tears into the heart of the rich black earth. The unspeakable is happening: the beautiful waterfowl refuge is being drained.

Pathway beside Bow River, Douglasdale

To be fair, it really wasn’t a protected area. Boundaried by two residential developments in a suburban area of the city, this unique parcel - adjacent to forest pathways and the Bow River - had long been zoned heavy industrial. And the body of water? Only a large settling pond for rock-washing runoff from the nearby cement plant. But the utilitarian had become utopian. A fixture befitting the small forest it bordered. A watery refuge for birds and stressed out humans.  Beauty out of ashes. Now it is being removed. Drained and filled with dirt for a new development.

Blood pumping, fire flashing in my temples, I call the community association.  Can I stop it? Protest? Rally the protesting power of Greenpeace or Ducks Unlimited?

“Not likely! Remington Developments is going ahead with the first stage of preparing the land for light industrial and residential use. It will be the largest urban development of its kind in Canada. There was an information session last week.”

Community information sessions are pretty low on my priority list. I’d missed it. Light industrial? What does that mean?

“It could mean small shops like automotive repair or something similar.”

I imagine it now. Waking up at 7 a.m. with the whine of an air gun or power torque wrench removing lug nuts from a tire, carbon monoxide from idling cars, black smoke from blown engines billowing behind my back yard.

I call the neighborhood realtor.

“I’m going to have to sell and move. How much did I just lose in my property value?”

“Well,” he says, “the value of your house is quite imaginary until you put it on the market. It’s worth what someone is willing to pay. What’s happening over the rise may seem bad right now, but really, based on the type of development being planned, you should actually see an increase in your property value once the development is finished.”

“How long will that take?” I ask. I don’t really believe him, but I’m still listening.

“Oh, maybe five or more years.”

I sigh. Swallow my pride. Decline his offer of a free home estimate. Take a Tylenol for the pounding behind my eyes. Try to rest. Dream of how it used to look.

A nearby lake in Carburn Park is still accessible 

We do move. Sell the house at double the price we paid only five years earlier. Move into a slightly older but immaculate home with a wonderful mountain view. I’m still walking distance to the river, so I couldn’t be happier.

Fast forward five years.

Today we drove through Quarry Park. Once I got over my resistance to change, we have watched with great curiosity what was rising from the dregs of my favorite pond. Elegant glass, steel and stone office buildings no more than three stories high, landscaped with fountains and flower, with thematic names like “Central Campus” and “Quarry Park West”. Upper middle class residential homes and townhomes in tudor style with rear garages, all in soothing dark neutrals and beautiful sandstone. Retail and restaurant area with our favorite grocery and eating places, a salon spa and—of course—a Starbucks™. Walking pathways, green space, resting benches alongside a lagoon and creek which intersect the center of the development. Executive apartments and a high-end condo development aptly named “Champagne” – penthouse units run nearly $1 million each.

The ugly cement plant has been dismantled. No trace remains. Land is designated for a community recreational complex. Further north, warehouse space is tucked in a discreet area well hidden from residential view. Adjacent older industrial buildings have been decommissioned and moved to a new building further from the roadway. What was a narrow, bumpy, poorly maintained city street is now being widened to four lanes, providing ease of access north and south. Not a single automotive repair shop in sight.

“This is one beautiful development,” my husband exclaims. “It has really improved the entire community.”

I have to agree. Five years earlier, my panic, anger and despair was based on wanting things to stay as they were. What I saw as disaster has, in five short years, become a blessing. I didn’t know what the developer had in mind, so I couldn’t grasp the enormous benefit was going to come from losing my favorite pond.

Perhaps I should remember this lesson for other areas of life. My loving Creator has a greater blueprint for benefits to bestow on my life. What may seem tragic could actually be the beginning of one of the biggest developments in my life. 

As we pass the lagoon, two Canada geese landed softly on the water. The sun reflects a brilliant Alberta sky, and the soft breeze seemed to whisper with a divine accent:

“Trust me.”

Sunset on Pond

Photo credits: Personal collection