Be Still

Early last week I was overwhelmed by the sense that I had overcommitted. Too many activities, too little time at home taking care of duties. Part of it was that one commitment was a team effort and the other team member had been sidelined through no fault of her own. In that realm I went immediately to my fallback position, ODSR syndrome: Over Developed Sense of Responsibility: Take it all on. If I don't do it, who will?

Woah, put on the brakes. Only a few weeks ago when I resigned my day job, it was so that I could take better care of my family, my home & myself AND to have more time to write. Well, the last two items have absorbed most of my time. Writing and writing related items (planning a workshop, taking courses, writing, researching markets, attending critique groups) as well as getting myself back to good health (lots of rest, revised nutritional intake, exercise, rest, retreat, more rest). Granted, these are good things, but moderation is the goal. I also need to focus on more attention to the first two.

Then Thursday I became aware that I was enveloped by an uncharacteristic sense of peace. No anxiety. No urgency. To have this experience in the middle of a week when I was feeling somewhat overwhelmed - well, I can only say it was a gift. Perhaps someone is praying. Perhaps God knew it was a gift I needed, even without me asking. All good and perfect gifts come from Him.

Saturday I worked with my husband to organize the storeroom. I no longer have anything in there we don't need. We know what is in each box and it is clearly marked on the outside. We now have space to arrange the spare sofa set so that this room can become the games room. Books, printed music and magazine collections will all have a place before the end of the week. My office closet is now mostly clear in preparation for the same process as the storeroom.

In addition this week I was asked to take on two projects. One, a drama for the spring. Two, co-teaching a weekly class in the fall. Wow. Both exciting. Both intimidating. The only way to sort through this and decide if I should say yes or no is to ask for wisdom.

So, move over schedule. Move along duties. While I follow my schedule and do my duties, I shall be asking. I shall also be making time to be still.

Isn't it interesting? Three months ago, I signed up my husband and I for Break Forth, the largest equipping and renewal conference in North America. On Friday we will be attending a day-long spiritual formation seminar and then spend the weekend enjoying amazing speakers, musicians and breakout sessions. Ahhhh. Just what the Great Physician ordered.

Even though I smell like a sheep, he makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul. (Psalm 23)

Knife Juggling, Plate Spinning, Bullet Biting

Theory: Reducing work hours means more home-work can be done

I laid out my quandary here.  I've thought about it for a month.  I've talked to several people I trust.  I'm no closer to a solution, because it seems complicated.  I have several options, but how to set myself up for success instead of failure.  Or is it that simple?  Only two options?  

Could it be that once again, I simply have standards that are too high?  Is there a perfect scenario?  Is there only success or failure?  Could we not argue that this should be more about quality of life than meeting impossible expectations?

The things I love about my job (and it's truly the first job I have really loved) collide with the things I hate about my job.  However, I'm realizing the things I hate about my job would likely exist in any other job, so changing jobs would be a ridiculous waste of time. I also hold a high priority on volunteering, so my 4 hours a week in that doesn't change. 

I really don't want to reach the level of frustration where I end up saying or doing something at the wrong time to the wrong person in the wrong way. I also don't want to be so exhausted at the end of the day (physically and emotionally) that all I do is drop on the sofa and fall asleep.  I have realized one of my core beliefs is that my first and greatest calling is to care for my family. I feel like a failure in that area, even though I can recognize some positives in spite of the mistakes or lack of accomplishment I had hoped for.  It's eating me up.

So, all that being said, I've come down to five options:

1) choose to accept the way things are in my work and continue exerting influence where I can, 

2) negotiate reduced working hours to hopefully do only those things that I love, 

3) resign, or... 

4) continue the status quo (which is making me crazy, so that's really not an option),

5) defer the decision until my next two large deadlines are met (October 16).

Things I'd Like to Do (If I only had a brain and some extra time to use it):

sort of in priority sequence

1) Ensure my family (me included) is cared for (ie. nutritionally balanced meals, clean clothes, safe and clean home environment, lots of nurture where necessary, and so on)

2) Recreate together with family more frequently

3) Exercise at least 30 minutes, 3 times per week

4) Reorganize home bookkeeping

4) Publish my father's book of poems

5) Scan my family slides (circa 1960-77) into .jpg files

6) Submit my poetry for publication

7) Do more writing

8) Read more

9) Organize and archive photos, cds, cassettes and videos

10) Entertain several times per month in ways that cultivate new friendships, build relationships with neighbors, strengthen old friendships and give a sense of community and belonging to my family.

Well, there you have it.  For some it could be simple. Perhaps I need to see if there are ways I can start implementing small steps to do the top ten list a little at a time.  Maybe I need to just stop writing lists.  Perhaps what I really need is to stop doing and start being present in the moment, engaging my heart fully in what is right in front of me - a gift of effort, labour, creativity, healing - be it mundane task or noble venture. More often it is the former, and when these daily trivialities are done faithfully, life becomes the latter.

"Make it your aim to lead a quiet life, mind your own business and work with your hands." 

I Thes. 4:12