Mental Wellness Requires Wholistic Wellness

#bellletstalk

Though I know now I experienced postpartum depression, I was not officially diagnosed with depression until three years later. Shocked and in denial, I begrudgingly tried an anti-depressant. A debilitating panic attack (my first) immediately resulted, so I discontinued the medication only to hear the doctor apologize later for giving me the "wrong" prescription. I chose not to try another. My case was mild, episodic, related to hormonal changes and seasonal affectation. I experienced moderate relief from using a type of birth control which is no longer offered due to its many negative side effects. It helped level the mood swings but didn't solve the fits of rage.

I took many steps one at a time to move from darkness into light and from little self care into personal health management. It included naturopaths, medical doctors, psychologists, a 12-Step Support Group, a personal fitness trainer, Bible Studies, many supportive friends, small groups, lots of prayer and meditation. Now that I'm post-menopausal, I take a naturopathic supplement that increases tryptophan, exercise 3-4 times a week, pursue hobbies I love, watch my nutritional intake (a constant battle) and avoid stressful situations or intense movies, TV shows, music, even news. I still see a psychologist when necessary. Due to many changes in my life, including re-marriage and retirement, I feel like I am flourishing now more than at any time in my life. This was my journey. Your results may vary.

My first husband died by suicide after a long battle with chronic pain, depression, anxiety and OCD. You can read about some of that journey and how I moved out of my own anger and depression in these posts:

A Walk Down Memory Lane
Hold On
The Lie of Despair
January Inventory

Our bodies are so complex, the medical community segments their studies but has yet to combine effectively across disciplines. If I could advocate for anything, it is for more wholistic study of patient care, including the biological, hereditary, physical, mental, emotional, relational, situational and spiritual aspects. There is no one cause, no easy button, no silver bullet solution or spiritual "quick fix" for mental health challenges. We are a whole person and need comprehensive, wholistic care along with compassionate, non-judgmental support from our health care providers and spiritual caregivers.

Hope Prevails. My story "ends" well, but I still encounter triggers so I can never let down my guard. Some stories have ended very badly. If you are in a dark place, remember to breathe. It is a lie that it will always be this way. Nothing is permanent, even if it feels like it. Please tell a trustworthy person what you are experiencing.

Know this: You may have depression or anxiety, but it does not define you. You are not your disease. There is help and there is always hope.

1-800-SUICIDE
403-266-HELP
http://www.distresscentre.com/

But I Don't Feel Loved

Oh, my friend, I struggled for many years, and sometimes still do, to believe and trust the love of God. It is an area of weakness which the enemy exploits, and continues to hurl accusations and doubts that God could love me. Or, even more insidious, the diabolical suggestion that I need to earn love by living a certain way or doing a checklist of things.

While we desire the tangible sense of God's love, these wonderful, transcendent feelings are as rare as they are lovely. They are an echo of what's to come. Think of Jesus and his three closest disciples on the Mount of Transfiguration. Peter loved the experience - the feeling - so much he wanted to live there. But there was still work to be done... so the experience did not continue at that time. 

It is similar in our own personal journey with Jesus.

I relish those intimate times and try to remember those feelings when my emotions change. I bathe my mind and intellect by soaking it with the truth of God's love in scripture and songs. I look for God in nature, in beauty, in poetry, in family and friends. I go on a treasure hunt to find things, even the tiniest graces, in my life for which I'm grateful, knowing every good gift is from above. I spend time reading God's love letter to me: the Bible. I hang out with people who love him. I read about his love from those who've experienced it.

I think of the gamut of God's love goes so infinitely far beyond the "good, good father" into what my own father explained. When the German language Bible he loved to study would say "God is love," it used the feminine gender, inferring that God's love is like the love of a mother for her child. So not only is the love of a good father and a tender mother encompassed in God's love, the love of God supersedes these genders and is, in fact, beyond our comprehension in depth, breadth, and height. 

Two books that have been significant in this area for me are the small book "The Furious Longing of God" by Brennan Manning and the more contemplative book "Surrender to Love" by David Benner. I also found listening prayer helpful. The books "Rivers From Eden" and "Can You Hear Me?" by Brad Jerzak have been helpful tools for me to learn and practice sitting, soaking in God's presence. These practices and books helped me learn that God doesn't just give us his love, he IS love. The very essence of it. He cannot be anything other than love, cannot do anything that is not in line with his nature of love.

When the feeling of being unloved is strong, don't believe it. Combat it. The truth is, God is love. And he loves you. So those false feelings are coming from somewhere else and it's tricking our emotions into believing something that is not true. 

I really underestimated the physical causes of my emotional depressions - to my detriment. Once I began working out and taking needed supplements to give my body the basic nutrition that had been lacking for so long, I began to "feel" better. I also worked with a personal trainer to discipline my body and a naturopath to heal my body, because the physical body is inextricably linked with the mind, emotions and will.

Since we are instructed by Jesus to "love the Lord your God with all your heart (emotion), soul (spiritual), mind (intellect), and strength (physical body)," we must pay attention to the physical as much as every other part of our being.

Do a personal inventory; a checklist of practical and physical things that can significantly affect our emotions: 

• am I eating and sleeping well? 
• is my body lacking any nutrients?
• are there hormonal imbalances that can impact mood? 
• do I get my body moving every day (enough to elevate my heart rate for 20 minutes)?
• do I get outside in the fresh air? 
• do I hydrate by drinking enough water (half your body weight in ounces daily)? 

Ask your doctor or naturopath to test for allergies and food sensitivities; even to assess you for depression or anxiety. Add appropriate nutrition, vitamins and supplements, exercise and meditation to your routine. Find a pastor, counsellor or mentor you trust and ask their counsel in this. Reach out. No one is perfect but we can learn something from everyone and in-person is better than Internet.

This only scratches the surface. It's a daily journey. We practice. As Samuel Beckett said, we try. We fail. We try again. We fail better.

So, start simple. Ask Jesus to show you his love, then watch in anticipation for even the unexpected ways it shows up.

My prayer for you is from Ephesians chapter three:

Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence. So please don’t lose heart ... I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your heart as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

Another beautiful passage is Romans 8:38-39: 

I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Read and memorize these if you can or write them out and put where you can see them every day.

I hope this is of some help for when you are feeling unloved. There is no easy button. No secret formula. Keep trusting. Keep interacting in loving ways. Keep telling yourself the truth. Open yourself to the presence of Christ. Look for the places he plays, where he's holding his arms out to you, asking you to sit beside him and be still just to hear his heartbeat for a few moments. 

Tipping the Scale toward Health

A friend fell off the wagon regarding her diet. She said “I blew it,” and asked how people stay motivated. What follows are some of the thoughts I shared with her, since I’ve found some limited progress after carrying extra weight for many years.

Please note: I'm not telling you what to do or whether any of this will work for your particular body, personality or metabolism. I'm just sharing some of the things that make a difference when I do them. I don't always do them but I do them more often than I used to. Every effort I make increases my quality of life. I am healthier now physically, emotionally and spiritually than I have been in decades and I live with an overall sense of well-being far beyond anything I've ever known. Try what you like, discard the rest. Listen to your own body. Perhaps you’ll find something in this that twigs for you.

A few years ago, I realized I needed to get healthy. I wrote about the entire process in my last post but didn’t elaborate on detail regarding the physical side: fitness, weight reduction, nutrition. In the past year I’ve dropped 30 pounds, slow and steady, without really “trying”.

What finally made the difference?

I decided to focus on feeling good and becoming healthy, rather than weighing a certain weight or wearing a specific clothing size. Being healthy and fit brings lasting satisfaction. Clothing and image are only temporary ego boosters and don’t meet the deeper need of self-respect.

I began to practice self-kindness. My friend didn't "blow" it. One day off track does not signal failure. Watch the language you use when you talk to yourself. Would you talk that way to a colleague? A friend? A spouse? Encourage yourself the way you encourage them. Be respectful of yourself and your own emotions. Think of one thing you've accomplished and express gratitude for it. Treat yourself to non-food rewards. 

Examine nutritional choices. Proven methods bring predictable results. Eat a broad spectrum of food from all food groups but just in smaller portions. Eat balanced meals at regular intervals made from whole foods (anything that doesn’t require an “Ingredients” label), drink lots of water or non-caffeinated teas. Certain foods bring physical cravings and can cause emotional crash. Be careful with the carbs and sugar. They mess up my head and my emotions when taken apart from protein. Like drinking liquor on an empty stomach, eating carbs or sugar without protein gives your system a sucker punch. And speaking of liquor, most alcoholic drinks are high in calories and serve little to no nutritional value. They also remove inhibitions and make self-control more difficult.

Be aware of your body’s monthly cycles. Weight and bloating increase during certain days. Your body is affected by something you can't control, but you can learn to be aware and manage it more effectively by soldiering through the few days when your mood swings are worst.

The bottom line is, you must spend more calories than you consume. Get your body moving, even if it's just a short walk and do short bursts of exertion. Even ten minutes a day or taking the stairs instead of the escalator all add up over time.

Learn to calm or energize yourself to break the habit of emotional eating or eating out of boredom. When you eat, sit down and savor every bite rather than absentmindedly chewing while watching a show or working or surfing online. Try to sleep at least 8 hours per night. Our bodies rebuild and reset themselves in sleep. Watch a movie, write a poem, listen to quiet music, sing, have a long bath or hot pounding shower, meditate, draw a picture, call a friend, take a walk, read a novel, whatever engages your mind and relaxes your body so you are able to focus on something other than your diet.

Get professional help, if needed. 1) See a naturopath to test food sensitivities and nutritional deficiencies. Our bodies crave what we aren’t getting in our diet. I dropped wheat and soft drinks and lost 18 pounds. 2) Engage a trainer to help you find the most effective exercises for your body type and problem areas. I didn’t lose much weight from this but it built muscle mass and increased heart health while sculpting and toning my shape. I still have a long way to go but I'm much more able to move, bend and exert myself now than before. 3) Find a psychologist who can help you work through things that cause emotional eating or binge eating. Many compulsive habits have their roots in old wounds. You can't heal what you don't acknowledge. This was a big one for me. I try not to "emotional eat" any longer. And here's a thought: If you intentionally eat alone or hide what you're eating from those around you, that's a red flag. When you do this, you're only hurting yourself.

Allow for cravings. Denying myself doesn't work. If I crave a Snickers bar, I have one. Just one. Or even just a bite or two. Not often. But I have found when I drink a glass of water and/or eat a healthy item first (apple, orange, banana, small piece of cheese, a few nuts and/or raisins) and I rarely still crave the high sugar option. I ask myself, "Am I really hungry or am I eating out of boredom, habit, compulsion?" Occasionally, I still eat the sweet treat. I savor it but I don't reach for the second or the third like I used to. If you eat absentmindedly, measure out a portion and put the rest away. One naturopath suggests being strict six days per week and eating whatever you want on day seven. I’ve not done this, but she swears by it. Perhaps it would work for you.

Focus on something other than food. Avoid calorie counting or detailed tracking systems – it just keeps you fixated on food. Only weigh once per week and use it as an indicator, not an alarm or measure of success. If you're always thinking about your diet, it's self-defeating.

Hang out with people who are where you want to be, who have proven success, rather than people who are struggling with the same issues or people who don’t respect your restrictions and try to get you to indulge. Keep in mind, everyone is unique and what works for one may not work for everyone. Don’t let anyone tell you there’s a “best” way to do something. Listen to your body.

Remember that every day is a new beginning. New mercy. New beauty. New start. You can do this. One day at a time.

Blessings,

Joyce

Stock photos purchased under standard license from depositphotos.com

January Inventory

So much of what I'm reading online these days sounds like many of you are experiencing post-Christmas crash and crush from looking at all the coming challenges of the new year. A few stave off January darkness by snowbirding south or snowboarding north. Those who can't escape bear down to work harder or smarter, resolve to declutter, lose weight, exercise more, make a life plan, do this, do that - all good things - but the undercurrent carries the despairing sense that we've been here before and nothing is ever good enough to exact lasting change.

Some are obsessed with "doing", goal setting and comparing (10 ways to Declutter, Four Steps to Improving, 7 Habits, The Best Way to Do the Right Stuff for the Wrong Reasons). Or learned apathy drives others to refuse, rebel, or mock the "resolutioners" with cynical humour or outright Debbie Downer criticism.

The depth, cold and darkness of winter, creeping age, fatigue, chronic pain all take their toll. Yet we seek to do, be, act, live better because our very nature is imprinted with the creative drive to do so.

I write this because I recognize the cycle in myself. The bleak midwinter wants to bury me emotionally under the long nights and piled snow. I have found some specific actions have made a lasting change for me. These are habits of which I still must remind myself daily. There are apps available to help track and/or remind me of activities and goals. Change does not happen overnight and even after good progress is made, change in circumstances or relationships (job, death, birth, marriage, etc.) unearth areas that have not previously been addressed. I'll list the order in which I began to tackle my own problem areas, but I don't think there is a particular formula. This is not a "how to" but rather a "what helped me" blog post. Start where you are, where you feel you are ready (or completely desperate) for change.

A. Emotional Health

I started here about five years ago. There is no easy button, no quick fix. I just knew I was a mess. Angry, overweight, depressed, and in deep need of healing.

We cannot heal what we don’t acknowledge. I addressed this in a two-pronged approach: support groups and professional counseling. I realized I was powerless over compulsive behavior and the tendency to do the wrong thing. I would often lose my temper with family and others. I saw the toll this was taking on everyone. My life had become unmanageable and I realized I needed help. I attended Freedom Session, http://freedomsession.org/  a modified 12-Step group based on emotional healing and the power of God. It provided tools that helped move me forward from where I was stuck in my hurts, habits and hang-ups. I learned to get out of denial, stop lying to myself, stop the blame game and identify the original wound being triggered by current events. It helped me learn how to heal.

In addition, I had been seeing a clinical psychologist for a number of years, since my son was born. When I started in 1994, I was suffering from post-partum depression but it was undiagnosed for three years. Later on, I met with her on occasion when life got overwhelming. I continue this practice. A professional is trained to support you in ways your friends and pastor cannot.

B. Mental Health.

Professional clinical counseling is also a great aid in mental health and intellectual processing, and I also cannot emphasize too strongly the need for many to have medication which helps resolve the chemical imbalance of the brain which often leads to irrational thought. Just as we take medication to keep our blood pressure stable or insulin to help diabetic conditions or other medicines which replace functions of organs that may have been damaged, we also must see there is NO stigma to taking medication to help the most important organ, our brain, to function as it is designed.

If our brains are working as they should, then we can reason and learn and absorb and make effective, healthy decisions. One way is through reading experts or inspirational writing which educates and encourages us and helps us to understand and act differently, in ways that will help us rather than harm us.

I read two significant books which assisted me in understanding two key areas in which I was stuck: perfectionism and discontent. Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" helped me stop beating myself up for always falling short of my ridiculously high expectations. And Ann Voskamp's "1000 Gifts" was a dare to live fully by opening my eyes to the beauty right in front of me, large and small, every day. To see it all as a gift. “Nothing is a given. Everything is a gift.”

C. Physical Health

I saw my doctor on a regular basis, yet I often did not disclose to him the true nature of how I was feeling until I was in crisis. My late husband struggled with depression and anxiety and this greatly impacted our relationship. While I could not help him, I had to help myself. Like the airlines caution you about the oxygen masks, you need to put your own on before you help others, I needed to get better myself so I could be of any use to him. Sadlly, he refused to see a counselor, a medical doctor or to consider medication for his condition, and this ultimately resulted in his suicide.

I put depression and anxiety under the “physical health” column because I believe the majority of these conditions start from physical causes, not “wrong thinking” or “spiritual failure”.

I decided to see a Naturopath who specialized in food sensitivities. She identified my intolerance for wheat in all forms and I eliminated it from my diet. I experienced an immediate lift in my physical health. The chronic heartburn almost immediately disappeared. My hiatal hernia stopped acting up, except in high stress situations. The Naturopath also put me on a regimine of vitamins, supplements and natural remedies for stress and anxiety. I began to feel better than I had for decades. I also significantly reduced my intake of soft drinks like Coke, stimulants like coffee and replaced them with unsweetened juices, herbal teas, water or club soda. I also reduced my sugar intake, which reduces inflammation and cravings.

After eight months I was finally ready to tackle my body shape and fitness. I set before me the goal of health, not just a certain body shape or a target weight. Exercise to feel good, not to feed your ego. Physical exertion in safe ways releases reward endorphins in your brain which help you feel good. I jump-started my program by signing up with a personal trainer.  I would arrive at our session feeling down, tired, discouraged and invariably I would leave rejuvenated and happy. On Nov. 27, 2012, I posted: “Amazing, how being pushed past my own perceived physical limits by my skilled trainer helps me see how strong I really am. Feels good. Taking nothing for granted. So grateful for this new period of health.”

There are also direct links between my nutritional intake and my emotional and mental health. I must drink at least two litres of water per day and eat balanced, whole foods, minimizing prepared foods high in salt and sugar (hint: choose foods that don’t have an ingredient label). Don’t be obsessed by tracking any one thing or denying yourself. Any extreme is unhelpful. To eliminate or emphasize any one food group (i.e. low carb diet, vegan, high-protein, and so on) is to put ourselves at risk to physical, emotional and mental disease, not getting the holistic natural nutrition our body and mind need to live in optimal health.

D. Spiritual Health

I have always believed in the power of the scriptures, as the Living Word of God, to be spiritual food, a truth anchor in the midst of mood swings, or a thermostat that controls the emotional temperature of my life, a fertile garden where I can grow and gain wisdom. Two other significant books I read during this time were Brennan Manning’s “The Furious Longing of God” that helped me understand how much God pursues me, is crazy about me, and loves me completely. As you can understand, this goes a long way toward emotional healing as well as spiritual. The other book was “The Inner Voice of Love”. This is Henri Nouwen's journal from the most difficult period of his life, when he suddenly lost his self-esteem,  his energy to live and work, his sense of being loved, even his hope in God. Although he experienced excruciating anguish and despair, he was still able to keep a journal in which he wrote a spiritual imperative to himself each day that emerged from his conversations with friends and supporters. I found it not only resonated but encouraged me – a spiritual leader who was also depressed yet learned to see God and hear God’s voice in the darkness.

On Nov. 27 I also posted, “Some have lost faith because of terrible circumstances. Isn't that the time when you would most want to rely on God's strength, comfort, healing and love?” Please know that a few years before, I had nearly despaired and seriously questioned God’s love and goodness, due to very difficult circumstances of my life, but this statement shows the distance I had come in healing from that wounded place to the present moment of wanting to rely on God.

Little did I know that one week later my husband of 31 years would die by suicide. The presence of God in the moments and days following was so tangible, I could physically feel myself being held, covered, carried, by Love.

I don’t know where I would have been or how I would have survived if I had still been in the days of pain and denial. Sometimes these traumatic situations force us to a life change or a break down. I began reading the scripture again with renewed vigor, for all the strength I felt draining away in the crush of preparations needed to be restored. For months afterward I soaked in the trilogy of books written by Dr. David Benner: “Surrender to Love” which helped me discover the heart of Christian Spirituality, “The Gift of Being Yourself”, the sacred call to self-discovery, and “Desiring God’s Will”, which is all about aligning my heart with the heart of God.

Since those days two years ago, I have studied to become a spiritual director but found I am not yet emotionally strong enough to bear the deep burdens of others who are still in a very wounded place. I hope, one day, to delve more fully into this field.

E. Relational Health

Life is best lived in community. We clearly see what happens to those kept in solitary confinement. A supportive group of family and friends who encourage us, have the courage to care enough to confront us when needed, keep us accountable and point out where we might need to practice more healthy habits and behaviors.

I had two small groups: one of just a few women and a mixed group of six couples I/we met with on a weekly basis, some more often on a social basis: one on one for coffee and/or Bible study or just social time. They were my confidants, my soul-sisters, my brothers in Christ. I could tell them just about anything and know they would keep it in confidence, pray for me, help me work through it, even give wise advice if I asked. Several times, especially after my first husband’s death, I felt a great restlessness and was tempted to do something impulsive like quit my job or sell the house or run away. I would call one of those small group members and meet with them and they helped keep me steady. I am deeply indebted to each one who held me and helped me in my weak times.

So, there you have it. A long list of things I have done and continue to do. Through it all, I learned if I want to be different I have to BE different. Don’t continue doing the same things. Make the hard choice to do something more effective and keep it up, one day at a time, one step at a time.

F. Recreational Health

Finally, creative and recreational outlets are also important to having fun and getting moving in fun and enjoyable ways. I took up photography, glass fusion, swimming, hiking, camping, singing and renewed my writing, blogging and poetry. I even dabble in art and sketching and took a turn at scuba and parasailing. Others quilt, knit, crochet, cross-stitch, ride horses or motorcycles, snowshoe, ski, skydive, and the list is endless. These are the things that bring zest to life, the reason we want to be healthy – to enjoy all the good gifts in God’s beautiful creation.

I’m still in process, but I’m healthier now than I have ever been in every area I have discussed. I don’t take this for granted – I have to choose this every single day. I still battle areas where I haven’t yet had healing but I am so grateful for the life I have, the friends and family who support me and the God who created me to live in this kind of freedom.

I hope you might be helped by something here. If you have other books or practices that have helped you get unstuck and you would like to post about it in the comments, feel free.

Now go live and laugh and love.

Blessings,

Joyce

Sleep Shift

Beginning in September (because isn’t September always about new beginnings?), I will be going back to training twice per week with Patty, my delightful, encouraging, motivational, highly-experienced personal trainer at Spa Lady. In the summer, due to my work schedule and Patty’s (usually fully booked) schedule, we couldn’t find two times to train that worked for us both, so I dropped it back to once. I am mowing my lawn, gardening and hedge trimming so those weekly workouts weren’t really missed – I thought.

However, there is a discipline that comes with scheduled commitments which is missing and my nutritional intake changed. Targeted strength training only once per week is not enough, so I am committing to twice a week at an early morning time.

I can no longer be nocturnal. This is probably a good thing.

My question to you is, have you ever successfully shifted your sleep patterns to “early to bed, early to rise” when you were previously a night owl? If so, what tips do you have to help me succeed in this new commitment? I know I can’t switch cold turkey from going to bed at 10 p.m. instead of midnight. It’s like jet lag.

My total shift for the new schedule will be a full two hours, so it’s like I’ve moved to the east coast. I tried to go to bed earlier last night but it turned into one of those interrupted nights, with the dog unusually restless, waking me at 4:30 a.m. and again at 6:24 (a standard happening), well before my regular 7:30 a.m. alarm.

Ideas I’m trying:

1. Start going to bed about 15 minutes earlier, increasing by 15 minute increments earlier each 4-5 days from now until then. 
2. Plan to shift my work hours to arrive earlier on the four days I work so I’m early to bed, early to rise *every* day.
3. Catch up on lost sleep on Saturday and Sunday mornings

I’d love hearing your input, if you have succeeded. If you’ve failed at this, no need to comment because I do failure really well already. (smile)

I can do this!

From Sedentary to Satisfied

This journey starts with me collapsed in the grass, weeping for an unknown reason. Unable to climb the final peak, high on endorphins from the hike thus far, thighs thundering in protest, threatening to seize. My hiking partner was a nurse. She cautions me to listen to my body. We discuss the risks of going on, decide I’m not ready, have our lunch and descend. The disappointment in the eyes of my hiking partner is seared into my relational brain. That same disappointment cost me my last hiking partner.

I need to get healthy.

How many times have I said it? Before I lost significant weight and then after two surgeries in less than a year, slowly gained most of it back. Before I go back into the workforce and after “secretarial spread” starts appearing as another bodily challenge. Before I join a 12-Step group for my unexplainable fits of rage. After two years with only marginal improvement. Before I buy my second carton of Gas-X for the constant acid reflux. After every meal when I feel bloated and uncomfortable even if I ate very little. And I say it every time my hiatus hernia won’t let me swallow and I have to empty the few bites I’ve already hurriedly swallowed before I realized it was in spasm. Before Peg invites me to Spa Lady and after I flunk the flexibility test and decline to join.

I need get healthy.

Chapter Two finds me hesitantly accepting an invitation to a January fundraiser complete with booze and silent auction. I could take or leave either one, but there were two couples whose company I enjoy, so we skip cocktails and arrive just in time for dinner. All through dinner the too-loud microphone drones out the necessity of bidding on the vast array of donated items. There in the middle of Table 3 is a poster: “New Year, New You.” A naturopathic clinic offering consultations with the doctor, nutritionist and stress management life coach. Sounds healthy and hopeful, so I bid. And win.

One step closer to healthy.

The naturopath touches an electrode to my extremities: toes, fingers, testing responses in nerve endings for food sensitivities. Wheat. Rice. Potatoes. Lettuce. Spinach. Zucchini. Beets. Cashews.

Seriously? Lettuce?

She adds supplements of Magnesium, Calcium, Vitamin D and a relaxation herb. The nutritionist introduces me to shopping at Planet Organic. The life coach helps me realize how I can actually calm myself. I eliminate the offending foods, add the supplements.

Chapter Three: First hike of the season. My pants are dragging in the mud. I hike them up. Again and again. I roll down the waistband to keep them up. What is going on? I gather them up in a safety pin because the zipper clasp was broken last year… when the pants were too snug. They are falling down now as if they are too big. Next visit to the doctor’s office, I ask them to weigh me. I am 18 pounds lighter. In five months. Without changing anything else, just eliminating the offending foods.

I am getting healthier.

The acid reflux is gone. That was wheat’s fault. It was no sacrifice. Sure, I love the smell of fresh baked bread as much as anyone but when I cave in and eat it, the resulting upset stomach, bloating and heartburn are too high a price. It is no sacrifice whatsoever to eliminate these foods.

I feel healthier.

But my body isn’t changing much. Slightly smaller version of jiggles and lumps.

Chapter Four: We’re at the lake. Me and three friends. Love them to bits. Best friends ever. As we leave, Peg calls me over.

“You know I love you, right?”

Of course I do.

“I want you to meet my personal trainer. I think she could help you. Please say yes.”

I’d be delighted. No I’m not offended. We’ve walked the same path.

Chapter Five: The trainer is certified in teaching older adults. She’s like Peggy. Smart, funny, committed, compassionate, driven. She encourages me to go beyond my self-imposed limits but she’s not a bully. She turns my every negative remark into a positive.

“You don’t hate this exercise, you love what its doing for your body.”

My head is getting healthy along with my body.

Chapter Six: The injury. I was angry when I arrived at the gym that Thursday. Frustrated and embarrassed. A close friend had mercifully held back information about a trauma while I was on vacation. We chatted and I nattered on about trivia. Once the facts come out, I’m mortified that I am too egocentric to sense the wound, impotent to help, ineffective in being too far away from my grieving friend to do any good. My trainer saw the sparks in my eyes and took me to the ropes. Huge, ship-anchoring jute ropes held in place by hundred pound weights. Take one in each hand. Whip them up, down, alternating, side-to-side.

I didn’t feel anything pull or strain. All I felt was release of all that tension, along with a few tears. But the next morning I couldn’t move. Something had been strained. All the exercises combined, including the ropes, created a tension that activated a mis-aligned pelvis and SI joint.

Chapter Seven (seven is the perfect number, complete): Therapy. A referral to a well-respected wellness clinic. The Chiropractic treatments touched the right spots, traction stretched the seized muscles and laser pain therapy worked wonders. Then the massage therapist touched me with fingers that walked down my spine and joints like a familiar path.

I am getting healthy.

All these touches,

• a friend’s invite to dinner and silent auction
• the naturopath’s food sensitivity measure
• nutritionist’s food guidance
• life coach’s calming
• Peg’s loving referral
• a friend’s compassion midst bereavement
• the trainer’s discernment and disciplined coaching
• chiropractor’s adjusting touch
• massage therapist’s healing touch

each contributes to the whole. Each helps me open my arms wide to this world like I would open my arms to a smiling child.

I’m not done yet. I have relapses in moods that seem to be tied to food and stress. Those will be Chapter Eight. I’m still moving. Still training. Loving my friends and family even more deeply than before. I notice how every one of these chapters includes touch of some kind and I read in scripture how Jesus usually touched a person in order to heal them, how people who simply touched him were healed.

This is my touching story of healing. A story about friends touching me. Perhaps my touch can help someone else heal. I’m not there yet. But I’m so much closer than I was a year ago.

Sedentary no more. I keep moving toward healthy. I am satisfied. One touch at a time.

Handling Life instead of Slamming Doors

H.A.L.T.S.

Hungry

!......Angry.....!

Lonely

Tired

S t r e s s e d

Were you in any of these places in the last 24 hours? How did you handle it?

When we ensure we meet our basic need for nutrition, healthy expression of emotion, companionship, rest, and living a balanced life, then it is unlikely we will turn to our drug of choice (drugs, alcohol, food, withdrawal, hostility, fits of rage and so on) to numb ourselves.

If you "acted out" in the last little while, look back to the previous 24 hours to measure how you were doing in the arena of self-care. If you don't do it, no one else will. If you're an adult, chances are your mother isn't looking out for you any more.

I sometimes long for someone to take care of me. Mom is long gone. My longing sometimes comes close to the Cinderella complex when I'm at my weak points. But I shake it off, like a dog emerging from a swim, and I keep going.

Sometimes it's hard. So I continue to number the gifts.

Joy Dare: Feb. 13 - Gifts Found Behind a Door

122. Hugo in 3D (The Movie)  We went behind the door of the movie theatre at my husband's suggestion for Valentine's Day since we are both tied up with commitments apart tomorrow night. It is a poignant story. One in which Hugo goes through a number of doors and even escapes through them. A great movie for all ages, though a couple scenes might be a little tense for the youngest ones.

123. Massage Therapy. A few years ago, I tried out the therapist in the neighbourhood and I haven't gone anywhere else since. Behind closed doors that shut out the world, a massage becomes totally relaxing and therapeutic. Back pain, tension and even tennis elbow simply melt away in a 90 minute session. It's one way I deal with the "S" in HALTS.

124. Solitude. Being alone is not the same as being lonely. Sometimes I am more lonely in a crowd than by myself. I am becoming more introverted as the years wear on. You wouldn't know it from my 1,000 plus blog posts, but while I may seem verbose, most of what you read is a highly pared-down version of an entire jigsaw puzzle of thoughts, feelings, beliefs and ideas I've dumped onto the page and then sorted, edited, deleted and fit together in as concise a format as time allows. I like being alone. I also like people, but the gift today was a lot of time alone.

Question: Did you find any gifts behind a door today? Comment below or link to your own post.

Health walk

I went to a Naturopath today. It was interesting. She was very level headed, solid advice, good assessment. I'm able to get B12 shots from her without having to pay the premium price at the former "medically supervised" weight loss program I was on in 2006. Adding only one pound per month means I am now terribly uncomfortable and some of the mood swings and irritability have returned. She was very encouraging that with a bit of tweaking in the choice of foods, this can be more effectively managed without going on an extreme program

And that's what I need. Balance. Not extremes. For 30 days I'm off wheat, sugar and milk. I'm taking iron, probiotics, multivitamin and one more natural supplement I can't remember. Then we'll tweak again.

She also thinks I have some disconnect between the intellect and emotion. Hmmm. We're working on some physical things but I think the process may help everything - a holistic approach, yes?

Sleep or Not?

Not.

The ultrasound has the doctor sending me to a specialist. The tone of his voice says not to worry but the content is another story:

"The fibrous mass has changed in shape. Though it is not any larger, it is difficult to diagnose the nature of the growth without further investigation."

"I'll order another MRI and send you to so and so...."

The conversation droned into the background. I'm not 50 yet. There are not supposed to be things wrong internally. I feel fine. Except for not sleeping.

I hate surgery. In fact, in my Book of Rules, "optional surgery" is classed as an oxymoron.

I had surgery once. Gall bladder. All that lovely fried German food growing up.

I suppose I could try to look on the bright side. If they remove the growth and the ovary, I should at least lose some weight, wouldn't ya think?