Why We Can Rest in All Circumstances

 

"To rest is to give up on worrying and fretting and the sense that there is something wrong with the world unless we are there to put it right." ~David Whyte

Recently, several people who have read blog posts from the archives, indicated that the words found here were a source of encouragement to them. This always reminds me that the purpose of this blog is to share how God is working and moving in my life. I can say with the apostle Peter, who declared to Jesus, "Lord, to whom would we go? Only you have the words of eternal life!"

So, my words, as such, are really not important. What is important is the story of God in our lives, which we can only express through our words. I believe when we share our stories, each of us gains a broader and deeper understanding of who God is and how those who diligently seek to know God will be rewarded.

I recently shared part of my story for Hope150, in conjunction with Canada's 150th Birthday celebrations. It involved revisiting a time when I had lost hope, then found it again in Christ. I found shame rising, even though I had dealt with all those emotions in counseling and in a peer-support recovery group. I had also dealt with the questions surrounding the poor choices I'd made and how that impacted those close to me.

I again realize these are questions that cannot be answered and cannot be changed. I have to leave each one at the foot of the cross and again asking God's covering of grace over the past and the strength of the Holy Spirit to move forward in obedience to the tasks in front of me today. It's a regular battle to let the past stay in the past, to be reminded that I cannot change anything that happened, that I can and must move forward in God's grace.

I expressed my feelings about this to my husband, and he gently suggested that "perhaps it's time to start telling a new story;" to tell the current story of God's work in my life and heart. It was a timely and appropriate challenge.

There's no other human being who is a witness to my life more closely than this man. He sees the ups and downs and he's a big reason why my paradigm has shifted significantly regarding my co-dependent tendencies, aka: my need to be needed and my compulsion to fix other people or situations. I'm grateful to know, as he lovingly reminds me, and as David Whyte affirms, that the world will go on even if I am not there to fix it.

My husband's influence has brought much healing, love and rest into my life. We are now both retired, and though that was initially disorienting, it is still good. We enjoy the freedom of working at our own pace on projects of interest to us, individually and together. We enjoy waking up slow over a cup of coffee and having meaningful (or goofy) conversations about all sorts of topics. We enjoy traveling, primarily by car; reading silently alone or out loud together; napping when the urge hits, in the recliner or the hammock (weather permitting); going to the gym and running errands in the middle of the day instead of on Saturday when everyone else is out and about.

So, the regular stress of working full time is gone.

Lest you envy us, please remember that we have paid our dues, so to speak, both having "worked" with our families from our youngest years and up until the time we entered our lengthy, demanding, full-time careers. We are grateful for the decline in pressure as our bodies begin to decline in physical capacity.

And lest you think life is all unicorns and rainbows, the other day, when I was still reeling from the adrenaline rush and emotional roller coaster of being interviewed, I was abruptly snapped back to reality by a very unpleasant encounter with an angry person. This is not something I want to relive or repeat.

Finally, we are not immune to disease. I am receiving regular updates regarding a brother who has now been in ICU for two weeks since a sudden acute illness required major surgery. We've been walking alongside a dear friend whose daughter has cancer and another friend who just lost his mother. I'm not yet pain free from knee surgery in March. It's draining, when every night one's sleep is interrupted by pain or discomfort. This is the reality of life. Many have it worse. I pray the Lord will increase my faith and stamina through whatever level of difficulty I have been asked to bear.

So, even in retirement, the challenge to live in the power of the Holy Spirit continues, and the clash seems to be escalating with the world, the flesh and the devil making an all out attack on my desire to follow the call to obedience and holiness. But there is no need to be afraid.

Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble, but be of good cheer! I have overcome the world."
Then he adds, and I close with this for you to meditate upon: "Lo, I am with you always." We can rest in that, always, in the middle of any storm.

Picture 1: Surveyors Lake, Kikomun Creek Provincial Park, BC, from my personal photos.
Picture 2: Quotefancy, accessed online June 25, 2017
Picture 3: @UpperRoom, accessed online June 25, 2017

January Inventory

So much of what I'm reading online these days sounds like many of you are experiencing post-Christmas crash and crush from looking at all the coming challenges of the new year. A few stave off January darkness by snowbirding south or snowboarding north. Those who can't escape bear down to work harder or smarter, resolve to declutter, lose weight, exercise more, make a life plan, do this, do that - all good things - but the undercurrent carries the despairing sense that we've been here before and nothing is ever good enough to exact lasting change.

Some are obsessed with "doing", goal setting and comparing (10 ways to Declutter, Four Steps to Improving, 7 Habits, The Best Way to Do the Right Stuff for the Wrong Reasons). Or learned apathy drives others to refuse, rebel, or mock the "resolutioners" with cynical humour or outright Debbie Downer criticism.

The depth, cold and darkness of winter, creeping age, fatigue, chronic pain all take their toll. Yet we seek to do, be, act, live better because our very nature is imprinted with the creative drive to do so.

I write this because I recognize the cycle in myself. The bleak midwinter wants to bury me emotionally under the long nights and piled snow. I have found some specific actions have made a lasting change for me. These are habits of which I still must remind myself daily. There are apps available to help track and/or remind me of activities and goals. Change does not happen overnight and even after good progress is made, change in circumstances or relationships (job, death, birth, marriage, etc.) unearth areas that have not previously been addressed. I'll list the order in which I began to tackle my own problem areas, but I don't think there is a particular formula. This is not a "how to" but rather a "what helped me" blog post. Start where you are, where you feel you are ready (or completely desperate) for change.

A. Emotional Health

I started here about five years ago. There is no easy button, no quick fix. I just knew I was a mess. Angry, overweight, depressed, and in deep need of healing.

We cannot heal what we don’t acknowledge. I addressed this in a two-pronged approach: support groups and professional counseling. I realized I was powerless over compulsive behavior and the tendency to do the wrong thing. I would often lose my temper with family and others. I saw the toll this was taking on everyone. My life had become unmanageable and I realized I needed help. I attended Freedom Session, http://freedomsession.org/  a modified 12-Step group based on emotional healing and the power of God. It provided tools that helped move me forward from where I was stuck in my hurts, habits and hang-ups. I learned to get out of denial, stop lying to myself, stop the blame game and identify the original wound being triggered by current events. It helped me learn how to heal.

In addition, I had been seeing a clinical psychologist for a number of years, since my son was born. When I started in 1994, I was suffering from post-partum depression but it was undiagnosed for three years. Later on, I met with her on occasion when life got overwhelming. I continue this practice. A professional is trained to support you in ways your friends and pastor cannot.

B. Mental Health.

Professional clinical counseling is also a great aid in mental health and intellectual processing, and I also cannot emphasize too strongly the need for many to have medication which helps resolve the chemical imbalance of the brain which often leads to irrational thought. Just as we take medication to keep our blood pressure stable or insulin to help diabetic conditions or other medicines which replace functions of organs that may have been damaged, we also must see there is NO stigma to taking medication to help the most important organ, our brain, to function as it is designed.

If our brains are working as they should, then we can reason and learn and absorb and make effective, healthy decisions. One way is through reading experts or inspirational writing which educates and encourages us and helps us to understand and act differently, in ways that will help us rather than harm us.

I read two significant books which assisted me in understanding two key areas in which I was stuck: perfectionism and discontent. Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" helped me stop beating myself up for always falling short of my ridiculously high expectations. And Ann Voskamp's "1000 Gifts" was a dare to live fully by opening my eyes to the beauty right in front of me, large and small, every day. To see it all as a gift. “Nothing is a given. Everything is a gift.”

C. Physical Health

I saw my doctor on a regular basis, yet I often did not disclose to him the true nature of how I was feeling until I was in crisis. My late husband struggled with depression and anxiety and this greatly impacted our relationship. While I could not help him, I had to help myself. Like the airlines caution you about the oxygen masks, you need to put your own on before you help others, I needed to get better myself so I could be of any use to him. Sadlly, he refused to see a counselor, a medical doctor or to consider medication for his condition, and this ultimately resulted in his suicide.

I put depression and anxiety under the “physical health” column because I believe the majority of these conditions start from physical causes, not “wrong thinking” or “spiritual failure”.

I decided to see a Naturopath who specialized in food sensitivities. She identified my intolerance for wheat in all forms and I eliminated it from my diet. I experienced an immediate lift in my physical health. The chronic heartburn almost immediately disappeared. My hiatal hernia stopped acting up, except in high stress situations. The Naturopath also put me on a regimine of vitamins, supplements and natural remedies for stress and anxiety. I began to feel better than I had for decades. I also significantly reduced my intake of soft drinks like Coke, stimulants like coffee and replaced them with unsweetened juices, herbal teas, water or club soda. I also reduced my sugar intake, which reduces inflammation and cravings.

After eight months I was finally ready to tackle my body shape and fitness. I set before me the goal of health, not just a certain body shape or a target weight. Exercise to feel good, not to feed your ego. Physical exertion in safe ways releases reward endorphins in your brain which help you feel good. I jump-started my program by signing up with a personal trainer.  I would arrive at our session feeling down, tired, discouraged and invariably I would leave rejuvenated and happy. On Nov. 27, 2012, I posted: “Amazing, how being pushed past my own perceived physical limits by my skilled trainer helps me see how strong I really am. Feels good. Taking nothing for granted. So grateful for this new period of health.”

There are also direct links between my nutritional intake and my emotional and mental health. I must drink at least two litres of water per day and eat balanced, whole foods, minimizing prepared foods high in salt and sugar (hint: choose foods that don’t have an ingredient label). Don’t be obsessed by tracking any one thing or denying yourself. Any extreme is unhelpful. To eliminate or emphasize any one food group (i.e. low carb diet, vegan, high-protein, and so on) is to put ourselves at risk to physical, emotional and mental disease, not getting the holistic natural nutrition our body and mind need to live in optimal health.

D. Spiritual Health

I have always believed in the power of the scriptures, as the Living Word of God, to be spiritual food, a truth anchor in the midst of mood swings, or a thermostat that controls the emotional temperature of my life, a fertile garden where I can grow and gain wisdom. Two other significant books I read during this time were Brennan Manning’s “The Furious Longing of God” that helped me understand how much God pursues me, is crazy about me, and loves me completely. As you can understand, this goes a long way toward emotional healing as well as spiritual. The other book was “The Inner Voice of Love”. This is Henri Nouwen's journal from the most difficult period of his life, when he suddenly lost his self-esteem,  his energy to live and work, his sense of being loved, even his hope in God. Although he experienced excruciating anguish and despair, he was still able to keep a journal in which he wrote a spiritual imperative to himself each day that emerged from his conversations with friends and supporters. I found it not only resonated but encouraged me – a spiritual leader who was also depressed yet learned to see God and hear God’s voice in the darkness.

On Nov. 27 I also posted, “Some have lost faith because of terrible circumstances. Isn't that the time when you would most want to rely on God's strength, comfort, healing and love?” Please know that a few years before, I had nearly despaired and seriously questioned God’s love and goodness, due to very difficult circumstances of my life, but this statement shows the distance I had come in healing from that wounded place to the present moment of wanting to rely on God.

Little did I know that one week later my husband of 31 years would die by suicide. The presence of God in the moments and days following was so tangible, I could physically feel myself being held, covered, carried, by Love.

I don’t know where I would have been or how I would have survived if I had still been in the days of pain and denial. Sometimes these traumatic situations force us to a life change or a break down. I began reading the scripture again with renewed vigor, for all the strength I felt draining away in the crush of preparations needed to be restored. For months afterward I soaked in the trilogy of books written by Dr. David Benner: “Surrender to Love” which helped me discover the heart of Christian Spirituality, “The Gift of Being Yourself”, the sacred call to self-discovery, and “Desiring God’s Will”, which is all about aligning my heart with the heart of God.

Since those days two years ago, I have studied to become a spiritual director but found I am not yet emotionally strong enough to bear the deep burdens of others who are still in a very wounded place. I hope, one day, to delve more fully into this field.

E. Relational Health

Life is best lived in community. We clearly see what happens to those kept in solitary confinement. A supportive group of family and friends who encourage us, have the courage to care enough to confront us when needed, keep us accountable and point out where we might need to practice more healthy habits and behaviors.

I had two small groups: one of just a few women and a mixed group of six couples I/we met with on a weekly basis, some more often on a social basis: one on one for coffee and/or Bible study or just social time. They were my confidants, my soul-sisters, my brothers in Christ. I could tell them just about anything and know they would keep it in confidence, pray for me, help me work through it, even give wise advice if I asked. Several times, especially after my first husband’s death, I felt a great restlessness and was tempted to do something impulsive like quit my job or sell the house or run away. I would call one of those small group members and meet with them and they helped keep me steady. I am deeply indebted to each one who held me and helped me in my weak times.

So, there you have it. A long list of things I have done and continue to do. Through it all, I learned if I want to be different I have to BE different. Don’t continue doing the same things. Make the hard choice to do something more effective and keep it up, one day at a time, one step at a time.

F. Recreational Health

Finally, creative and recreational outlets are also important to having fun and getting moving in fun and enjoyable ways. I took up photography, glass fusion, swimming, hiking, camping, singing and renewed my writing, blogging and poetry. I even dabble in art and sketching and took a turn at scuba and parasailing. Others quilt, knit, crochet, cross-stitch, ride horses or motorcycles, snowshoe, ski, skydive, and the list is endless. These are the things that bring zest to life, the reason we want to be healthy – to enjoy all the good gifts in God’s beautiful creation.

I’m still in process, but I’m healthier now than I have ever been in every area I have discussed. I don’t take this for granted – I have to choose this every single day. I still battle areas where I haven’t yet had healing but I am so grateful for the life I have, the friends and family who support me and the God who created me to live in this kind of freedom.

I hope you might be helped by something here. If you have other books or practices that have helped you get unstuck and you would like to post about it in the comments, feel free.

Now go live and laugh and love.

Blessings,

Joyce

Surrender

I love swimming. Dad gave us opportunity to learn early in life, taking the family many Friday nights to Family Swim Night at the Springfield YMCA. We did far more splashing and play fighting as siblings than we did swimming, but in the process, I learned a little about swimming. I got to visit a couple swim lessons with a friend along the way, so I learned enough to be comfortable and proficient as a swimmer.

Being in the water is a full-body sensory experience. It is my favorite sport and most relaxing activity of all time, even when pushing myself to swim laps at my local YMCA pool.

My sister-in-law, Wanda, was a lifeguard and swim instructor. When my brother, Steve, introduced us, one of our activities together included some time at the outdoor pool. I was in my mid-teens, she a college student. We talked about swimming as we swam and floating as she floated and I tried but failed, my feet always sinking to the bottom.

“I can’t do this. How do you float like that?” I asked, impatiently.

“There’s a trick that helps,” she said. “Do you want me to show you?”

“Absolutely,” I replied.

“Stretch your body out straight, then tuck your chin against your chest and look toward your toes,” she coached. I listened with great care to her instruction as she supported my body to keep me on the surface.

“Don’t lean your head back. Keep your lungs full of air and that will help give natural buoyancy.”
She let go and stopped holding me up. I tried and she would coach. Eventually, I got the hang of it and have never had a problem floating since that day. I spend many relaxing moments floating when I’m in any body of water.

Joyce and Sam were snorkelers. Sam was also a scuba instructor. We shared a trip to Kauai, Hawaii, not long after my late husband had died.

As we planned, Joyce said, “We spend lots of mornings on the beach snorkeling. You might want to buy your own gear in Canada rather than rent when you get there. That way you know it’s a good fit before you go and it saves time.”

I’d only played around with snorkeling on my first trip to Hawaii in 2007, so upon Sam’s wise suggestion, I also booked snorkeling lessons in Calgary. I felt a little sheepish at first even signing up. At my age, mid-fifties, shouldn’t I have learned how to use a little snorkel? But, I was honest enough to know I didn’t really have a clue.

We practiced with the mask and snorkel, filling and clearing it safely. No problem. Then I tried on the monster flippers and launched myself across the pool.

I didn’t move.

Basically, no matter how hard I kicked, I stayed in the same spot and just churned up the water. Odd, I thought, since I swim fine without flippers. It took me half the lesson, with the instructor’s help, to get the hang of the proper use of flippers. To me, it seemed completely opposite of the kicking motion I use when swimming barefoot. I had to retrain my mind to use the kicking motion the instructor modeled, and once I did, I rocketed across the pool. Ah, relief.

Once in Kauai, there was no need to rocket. The first beach we visited was full of all sorts of underwater life and I simply had to float. I’d use my arms to propel me until Joyce coached otherwise.

“Let your arms relax by your side and keep your flippers below the surface to move through the water. The fish get spooked by too much thrashing.”

Finally, I found the zone. The salt-water ocean added its own buoyancy and I could simply lay, relax and surrender to the ebb and flow of the water as it held me.

The beauty was stunning. So many vivid colors of fish and coral. Such unique and bizarre sea life. I had discovered a new world. In one sense, I became part of this world, going with the flow, like the fish. Like a fish.

Dr. David Benner, in his best-selling book, Surrender to Love, writes that we need to learn to “go with the flow” of life, almost like a fish…

To be human is to be carried along by the river of life. The river is our source and the essential dynamic of our being and becoming. The river is God’s providential love. 

Faith is trusting the river. It’s allowing ourselves to float in it rather than thrashing about as we try to swim against the flow. 

Early Christian writers often imaged the Christian life in terms of living in water like a fish. Tertullian called Christ the “Heavenly Fish” and Christians “little fish” who take their name from Ichthus (fish). Christians, according to these writers, are born and live within the divine waters of the Spirit. The Christian life is learning to be supported by these waters. 

We hear the same theme in the ancient Sufi allegory of fish that spend their days anxiously swimming around in search of water. Sadly, they fail to realize that they are in the midst of what they seek. Their distress is suddenly eliminated when they open their eyes and see where they really are. 

So it is with us. We need to stop searching and see that we are surrounded by the sea of Love. But we also need to stop our panicky thrashing about in an effort to float. 

Paradoxically, our efforts to stay afloat usually lead to sinking. Every time we start to panic and think we need to do something to stay afloat, we lift our head out of the water and no longer rest in it. As soon as we do we begin to sink. Our efforts to stay afloat may keep our head above the water for a while, but eventually we tire, and eventually our efforts to keep afloat will drown us. We float only when we stop trying to do so. And we never discover that we do not need to do anything to stay afloat until we let go. That is surrender. 

Surrender is the discovery that we are in a river of love and that we float without having to do anything. Apart from such surrender, we always are in the grip of some degree of fear. Apart from such surrender, we will always thrash about, trying to stay afloat by our own efforts. And apart from such surrender, we remain self-preoccupied as our willful attempts to stay in control cut us off from life itself. 

From Surrender to Love, (2003) ©Dr. David G. Benner ~ http://ow.ly/vdobx

As I read this excerpt, it was timely, as I have just been thinking of myself as a fish, based on Albert Einstein’s famous quote:

Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by his ability to climb a tree, he will spend his life thinking he is stupid.

All my working life, I have been a fish in a tree-climber’s world. I’ve been an administrator in some capacity in most of my jobs. Last week, I realized with startling clarity that it is simply not a strength. I am a writer, a poet, a singer, a photographer, most anything on the creative arts side. Those of you who know me have seen these areas in my life and how they energize me. In contrast, having to organize others, pay attention to detail, juggle multiple priorities while multi-tasking in a high paced, deadline-driven environment (all those catch phrases on administrative position descriptions) – these completely suck the air out of my sails. I can do it – or at least I used to do it – to varying degrees of success. But it’s not my strength. No wonder I felt like a fish out of water.

I was overly optimistic about my capacity to return to work full time after dealing with the death of my husband, adapting to life as a widow and finding myself 18 months later in a new relationship that led to marriage. This all compounded my ability to focus at work. The trauma affected how my brain worked, my ability to focus, to concentrate, to absorb what I was reading. When the majority of my job is done via email, you can imagine how much longer a normal task would take.

It was a perfect storm. I was in a high-paced environment, in a career that did not use many of my strengths and regularly challenged my weaknesses. I always felt like I was swimming against the current. I forgot the necessity of self-care, rest and boundaries.

Last week in a moment of clarity, I realized I couldn’t do the job. I couldn’t meet the expectations. There is no shame in this. It was a poor fit for me. My efforts to stay afloat led to further sinking. It was, literally, making me sick.

So, after conversations with my boss and her boss, I have resigned my position, relaxed into the river of God’s love and now am breathing a sigh of relief, planning to rest for a while. No fear. God is my provider, the source of the river. I am going with the flow, following the lead of the Spirit.

You will probably see more blog posts as I begin this journey back to the heart of who I am, to the person I have been called to be. I’m not sure what all this will include, but you can be sure there will be writing, dancing and singing. I’ll keep my lungs full of air, stop thrashing around, and perhaps I’ll even join the YMCA.

It will, most likely, be something along the line of what Frederick Buechner suggests, "The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”

Thanks for journeying with me.