Happy Birthday, Son

Today is the birthday of my one and only son. (Allow me a brief moment to gush?)

How do I give tribute to this young man who brought so much joy and love into my life and now continues to do so, bringing a beautiful young woman into my life as my soul-daughter and his new wife? I've already blogged about the Mother to Son Blessing I wrote for him at Christmas 2014, intentionally releasing him to this new life. I've blogged and written poems at various points in his life (click on the age links here if you want to wander through those memories):

At age 12 as he was learning to play guitar
At age 13 when I didn't let him go to Jr. High Band Camp
At age 14 that great year with the crazy mountain bike trek we took
At age 15 on that delay-ridden flight to Nashville for his cousin's wedding
At age 17 with a parent's emotion of leaving him at university
At age 20 when he released his first CD
At age 21 when we spent Christmas in Hawaii, scuba diving and all

But, perhaps, the best tribute a mother can give a son should be on his wedding day. So today, on his 23rd birthday, here is the entire Mother of the Groom speech written for their July 31 wedding. I didn't share all of this then because some of it was just a little too personal in that moment, but today you can read "the rest of the story" - as I remember it.

Mother of the Groom Speech

I will never forget the day Andrew picked me up from the Abbotsford airport and said he had some important news. We weren’t five minutes into the trip when he announced, “I’ve got a big secret but you can’t tell anyone. I don’t know how you’ll feel about this, but it’s going to happen, so I hope you’ll be okay with it.”

I’m already smiling but before I can even take a breath, he plows right ahead and blurts out: “Rebecca and I are going to start dating.”

Then he pauses.

I just smile wider and say, “Oh, good! I’ve already told three of my friends that you two were going to eventually get together, so it’s about time.”

He nearly ran off the road. “Really? How’d you know? 

I just shrugged and kept smiling.

“So, you’re okay with this?” he asks.

“Of course. I already love her, so I am very okay with this.”

And then we both smiled very widely for the rest of the trip back to Langley.

The rest is history and here we are! It is such a privilege to have all of you here together celebrating the covenant Andrew and Rebecca made today. Many of you have traveled a great distance and you honor us by being part of this special event. 

I want to specifically thank some special people by name who have influenced Andrew’s life. 

Oly & Dianne Boersma, Garry & Marlene Quiring, Arnie & Cheryl Miller. You are part of the reason Andrew is the man he is today. Thank you for being role models and friends, for being there for us through thick and thin, standing by us on the worst day of our life and for being here now on the best day. 

And I also want to thank my new husband, Henry, for being here, supporting me as I release my only son into married life. He’s been in your corner, Andrew, countless times, praying for both of you every night, and coaching me quietly on how not to be a helicopter mom, hovering too much!

A huge heart embrace to my Nickel brothers and their wives and families here with us today: Jim & Shelia, John & Kathryn, Steve & Wanda, and to my Harback family: Brad & Tina and my parents-in-love, Roy and Lila Harback. We have laughed together, grieved together, grown together and you have been encouragers, prayer partners and wise advisors. You have loved us beyond measure and your influence in Andrew’s life is priceless. I am so glad we are family! 

I’m sorry my parents couldn’t have lived long enough to be a part of your life, Andrew, but I think your Grandpa Nickel would be honored that you’re following in his footsteps writing songs and poems.

And my deepest thanks to the parents of the bride: Bill and Karin, you welcomed Andrew into your home during his first year away from his own home and he has been welcomed into your whole family. From the very beginning, you have given Andrew and his friends a safe and welcoming place, not only in your home but also in your heart and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. By the way, I did send him monthly rent money, so if he still owes you any, you’ll need to take that up with him. 

Seriously, though. You have given both Andrew and I a most beautiful gift, sharing your daughter with us. 

Andrew, I remember so much about your life as an only child I couldn’t possibly shrink it into five minutes so this will be brief. Andrew’s due date was on Halloween 1992, but he tricked us and came three weeks later, a healthy 8 pounds, 15 and ½ ounces. Our first challenge was getting him to go to sleep at a decent hour. Apparently this is still an issue. 

I remember your first Halloween as a fireman and making your costumes almost every year after that as you circulated through being Zorro, Fozzie Bear, Batman, Pinkbeard the Pirate, Obi Wan Kenobi, Link from Legend of Zelda, A Tree Pokemon, a Pumpkin, Elvis, Hippie, and Ninja. A career in cosplay really could suit you well.

I remember grade one where you held the hand of your buddy on vaccination day so he wouldn’t be afraid of getting his needle. I remember the day you graduated from grade six and wouldn’t let me hug you in public any more because you were in Junior High now! I remember how your dad tried to make you clean up your room and how you would dog it until he’d do it himself, how he made you study for your driver’s exam so you could get your learner’s license on your 14th birthday and your full license on your 16th birthday. Then it was like you announced, “I can take it from here, I’ll let you know if I need anything.” 

I remember you dragging me up Jumping Pound Ridge on our mountain bikes and how I wanted to quit and you prayed so fervently for God to give me strength and we did it, even though it took so long your dad had reported us as missing. I remember that trip to Mount Baker when we first played ping pong and I beat you soundly and saw that look of respect in your eyes. You had to keep playing me until you finally won a game – what was it, game 17? Then you said we could quit. 

I remember the countless trips to the hockey arena for your practices, to the ski hill for training and competition, to the store for new equipment because you outgrew yours so fast, to Long and McQuade so you could try out the new guitars. And I remember the multiple visits to the emergency room and that one day when I got the call I didn't want from the Ski Patrol telling me you'd been injured during the Moguls Competition and were in an ambulance on your way to the hospital. Those were four very difficult days waiting to ensure your spleen would survive. I'm so glad your body was designed to heal itself! 

I remember taking you to Langley for university, seeing you embrace every new situation with excitement and anticipation. I love hearing you make your plans and tell me about your writing. I love seeing how you make friends and keep them and how you brought your crew to Calgary every New Years. 

I remember the honor it was to have you walk me down the aisle at my own wedding last August and the great touch of carrying a shotgun over your shoulder during the rehearsal. And how you poked at my "carefully crafted eloquence" in your stellar, perfectly-timed, comedic speech, welcoming Henry to the family, making us all laugh until we cried.

I remember all the trips, the parasailing in Europe, the camping trip to Missouri, the ski competitions and hockey tournaments, the plays and skits you starred in, the music you write and sing so beautifully, the great friends with whom you create and have fun and surround yourself. I remember your kindness and love. Always your love.

Andrew, you have become the man your father and I always hoped and prayed you would become. Your dad would be so proud of you. You are positive and funny, articulate and gifted. You are observant, hard working and fun to be around. You make loyal friend and you are a treasured son. I am so honored to be your mother and so glad that you and Rebecca have chosen each other. 

Rebecca – I adopted you as my soul-daughter even before you and Andrew began to date. You have been a strong, steady presence in Andrew’s life. You are gracious, beautiful, organized, great with kids of all ages and you have brought so much joy into our home. I am so glad you’ve chosen to become my daughter in love. You’ve enveloped us into your family and it is with great delight that I welcome you into our family. 

May God give you both the desires of your hearts as you honor him.

Will you all please stand with me and drink a toast to Andrew and Rebecca.

Well, there you have it. Heart on my sleeve and all. A mother's joy. Happy birthday, Andrew. Even though it's still a month before we can be together, today on your special day, I raise my glass to you, my heart so full of gratitude to God for all the time we've had together and for the promise of the years to come. I love you to infinity plus one. 

I thank God every time I think of you. In all my prayers for you, I always pray with joy… being confident of this, that God who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:5-6)

Re-Remembering

My soul daughter and I

I want to remember these moments, Part 2 

(read Part 1 here)

Andrew and Rebecca's pre-wedding week was a rush, literally. We forced ourselves to drive the speed limit while running errands. There’s no point, really, ever, to exceeding the speed limit. I’m learning in my later years to accept the reality that if I am “behind schedule”, going faster is only going to cause more problems, so I exhale, relax and face the consequences. Usually, it’s a false sense of urgency that drives me to think I have to rush, but as my momma always said, “Haste makes waste” and as my daddy liked to quote: “The hurrier I go, the behinder I get”. I'm not sure what that even means, except I know when I rush, I inevitably forget something or drop something and make a mess or get a speeding ticket or (God forbid) even get into a collision.

We arrived in Langley on Monday before the big day Friday. We had already been on the road for a week, sightseeing, visiting museums and wineries and spending some slow, savory time together on vacation, getting ourselves mentally geared up for the rush of wedding week with all its bustle and people. We took a room at the Ramada for two nights, until our VRBO reservation was ready, which we would share with my brothers beginning on Wednesday when they arrived.

http://www.porterscoffeehouse.ca/

Every morning, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, we headed over to Porter’s for breakfast. This is the café so capably run by Rebecca's parents. The first day, Tuesday, we met up with my son (the groom), his bride, her mother and several Danish and Dutch relatives who had arrived in town for the wedding and wanted a chance to get acquainted. Such delightful folks. It reminded me again about the beautiful scripture God gave me when I was widowed, which found it’s fulfillment, first in my marriage to Henry and now in Andrew’s marriage to Rebecca - how God “sets the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:6). I still am moved by the sensations of love and laughter and warmth of family that surrounded us that day and the days following.

I spent Tuesday with the groom, running errands while Rebecca was working. While Henry bonded with the bride’s father running various errands, I went with Andrew to look for socks and a tie, and then dropped his vehicle off at the Honda dealership to have the air conditioning serviced. It had broken down during their trip back to BC from Calgary in July. Since the long range forecast for the Langley area included +38C temperatures for the coming week, I couldn’t imagine not having A/C. 

We made a stop at Staples to duplicate some photos and look for a special folder in which the wedding license could be placed for safekeeping. To our pleasant surprise, we ran into Aunt Elsje at Staples, collecting the wedding ceremony programs she had designed. 

They have a lovely cover and back (with photos of the couple) 

These then fan out to reveal three pages inside (wedding party, order of ceremony and lyrics for the hymn), all anchored by a decorative fastener. 

Much love and labor went into this souvenir.

We had a quiet evening taking a dip in the pool and a soak in the hot tub at the hotel before heading for bed. The next morning we packed up and checked out and met Andrew and his roommate, my soul-son, Fraser, for breakfast at Porters. 

This day, Wednesday, found Henry bonding with Bill by visiting Bill’s barber and both having their heads shaved. Bill always keeps this look, and it wasn’t the first time Henry had done this and I really like the look. He says he’ll let his hair grow for “warmth and traction” in the winter but I think the “Mr. Clean” look is definitely hip. The rest of the day included more errands and checking into our lovely VRBO home in Surrey, about halfway between the bride’s home in Langley and the wedding venue in Pitt Meadows. It had four bedrooms and two baths and a kitchen fully stocked with everything but food.  We purchased some groceries and coffee for breakfasts for the six of us who would be staying there.

Danielle, Karin and Rebecca get the royal treatment

In the late afternoon I had been invited to join the mani-pedi excursion with the bridesmaids, bride and her mother. To be included in this event was such an honor and it was great fun to hear the girls chatting and preparing for the big day.  When my brother Jim and sister in law Sheilia arrived later from Colorado, they went out for supper with Henry and then relaxed at the rental house until I returned. Steve and Wanda arrived from North Carolina after midnight, which was nearly 2 a.m. by their normal Eastern Time Zone, but Wanda and I immediately sat down to catch up – oh, the fun of “sisters” after being apart for a year. Wanda stood up for me at my wedding last August.

Centrepieces over Vinyl Record Albums

Thursday was pretty much all business. We had volunteered to take a jaunt to the east side of Chilliwack to pick up chair covers, and then later morning we spent picking up take-n-bake pizza, veggie trays and fruit trays from Costco and delivering them to the refrigerators at Porters in preparation for dinner for family and bridal party after the rehearsal. After that, everyone headed for the venue to decorate and rehearse.

The aunts doing décor placed one part of the centrepieces on each table, awaiting the floral part the next day. Each one was to be adorned by photos of the bride and the groom at the age that equates with the table number (i.e. table one had photos of both of them at age one, table two = age two and so on, up to age 12).

While my brothers and I were practicing our quartet in the blazing sun, Henry was climbing up and down a very tall ladder in the stifling heat of the screened room where the reception was to be, hanging strings of twinkle lights with the help of one of the Dutch cousins. It was likely around +40C up in those rafters and it took several hours, but the result was truly lovely.

Henry and his assistants

Everyone pitched in to put on chair covers, these had burlap ribbons and a daisy tied around each one. I made sure the correct number of chairs was placed at each table. 

Steve, Fraser, Rebecca and Robert handle the chair covers with ease

After the formality of the ceremony rehearsal, we all headed to Porters for pizza and visiting. It was the bridal party and partners, along with any family members who had traveled from a distance. Some of our Harback family was there: Pastor Brad, wife Tina, kids Paige and Max; Andrew’s grandparents, Roy and Lila; his cousin Rachael and her husband and kids; as well as with Rebecca’s Dutch and Danish relatives and my dear friends, the Boersmas, from The Hague. My brothers and their wives, of course, with the addition of my brother, John, his wife Kathryn and one son joined us there – we’d visited them in March at their home in Phoenix and I was delighted they could join us for this special time. 

We all ate, laughed, listened to live music by one of Bill’s bands and shared some special time of getting acquainted or re-acquainted. Everyone was hungry so the pizzas we’d brought disappeared faster than anticipated and once again, Bill saved the day with a few handmade flatbread pizzas for the latecomers. He and Karin are such incredible hosts. I am in grateful awe.

(clockwise) Kathryn, Sheilia, Jim, Roy, Brad, Tina, Paige, Steve, Mark

(L to R) Dianne, The Jensens, Linda

A great time in a great venue for family and friends

(L to R) Brett, Lily, Reese, Rachael, Lila

(L to R) A cousin whose name I missed, Rebecca's Jensen grandparents, Brenda

Simone, Thomas, Danielle, Adam

The groom and Pastor Brad

Back to the VRBO rental home for the evening, we visited a while and then all went to bed. Such a unique and rare privilege, to sleep under the same roof with several family members for the first time in a very long time.

A special interlude that remains one of my favorite memories is when we arrived at the Costco parking lot. We were still sipping our McDonald’s coffee from Chilliwack and Henry parked in the shade and kept the car running so the A/C would keep us cool. He said something to the effect of, “Let’s just take some time to catch up. We’ve been around a lot of people for a lot of time and I’d like to have some time for just you and me.” So we exhaled and stretched and relaxed into some easy conversation. This was a refreshing oasis in the middle of the activity. It was such a wise choice and I am so grateful for Henry leaning into ways we can connect. This was only one among many ways I’ve witnessed in the past year where he is very intentional about our relationship. Even in the middle of a long to-do list or in the middle of a crowd, he lets me know he sees me and appreciates me, reaches out with a quiet word, squeeze, or wink – our own private love-link in the middle of being alive. In every aspect of my son’s wedding prep, he’s been available and helpful in jumping in to do whatever is necessary or release me to do what I needed to do but he also knew we needed to just be still and enjoy each other for a few precious minutes.

This whole week has been about connecting family, sharing love and memories and making new friendships. We’re united in one purpose and it is this sense that I want to re-remember whenever I recall the wedding. It is about the people, the family, the friends who have made our lives rich, who have built into us and encouraged us and held us when we cried and poked us when we got too full of ourselves and above all, loved on Andrew and Rebecca and helped make them the amazing people they are today.

More to come …click here for The Wedding Day (Part 1).

I want to remember these moments

Rebecca asked if I could be in Langley by Monday before their Friday wedding. Less than a year before, she had stood by Andrew’s side at my wedding. Strange and wonderful, knowing we were all going to be family. Beside her stood her parents, my son’s soon to be in-laws, who really have been filling the gaps left by the distance between Calgary and Langley since Andrew first met them five years ago.

I love Bill and Karin. I love them for how they’ve loved on Andrew from the very beginning but I also really like them as individuals and as a couple. How they helped me out before we’d even met, getting Andrew’s vehicle from Salmon Arm back to Langley in August of 2011 (long story). Further, I respect them as business people and craftspeople and artists. Karin is a baker, working both for the restaurant they own and another early morning job elsewhere. Bill has been a restaurateur for many years, having spent a large part of his career setting up the restaurants in new Ikea stores. They now own Porter’s Bistro, a coffee and tea house, café, housed in a historic turn of the century building at Five Corners in historic Murrayville (on the east side of Langley). Bill is also an accomplished jazz musician, playing drums in a professional jazz trio and hosting live music every Friday and Saturday night at Porter’s.

Their hospitality comforts me and their faithful work ethic inspires me. This became even more evident in the months and days leading up to the wedding, on the day itself and the days afterward. Yes, it was their daughter’s wedding, and the bulk of the planning and coordinating had to be left to them because I was too far away to be of any practical help, other than holding a wedding shower in Calgary and helping with errands the week of the wedding - which I will get to in a future blog post - but first, the prep and pre-events.

In addition to the immediate family, including Julia, Rebecca’s sister, their aunt Ricky had volunteered to help coordinate many items related to the wedding and another extended family member on Bill’s side, Aunt Beverly, offered her assistance as a floral designer. Side note here: Beverly was using succulents as the primary “flower” in the décor and bouquets. Many of these were grown in her own garden and the gardens of other family members and four of them spent several days the week of the wedding gathering these from various gardens and putting together the floral décor. A labour of love, a beautiful result!

When I attended the family wedding shower for Rebecca and Andrew a few weeks prior, I got my first glimpse “behind the curtain” of the legacy of family and faith that have brought me to understand, even more, how and why Bill (from his Dutch ancestry) and Karin (from Danish parents) have become the amazing people they are. The entire experience has developed into a panorama of experiences that bolsters my belief in the legacy and constancy of loving family who set aside their personal preferences to come together to help and contribute to landmark events.

It started with an invitation in the mail, a hand made card. The shower was held in the home of Ricky, one of Bill’s sisters. The floral designer pinned a corsage on the bride to be, and we had a buffet of sweets, fruit, veggies and sandwiches to enjoy. One by one we shared one word we felt described Rebecca, each of these a blessing, a mirror back to her of what her life has meant to ours: as our lives have gathered these blessings like wildflowers, walking along life’s path with her. Aunt Elsje, Bill’s other sister, will incorporate these words into a wall hanging to remind Rebecca of the love shared around this intimate circle.

Gifts were precious. The ones that struck me were the more sentimental keepsakes: an elaborate and beautiful scrapbook from Elsje, filled with traditional family recipes. The first version of this gift had been destroyed in a tragic fire only a few weeks before. Her aunt was able to save the computer that held many of the photos and documents used in the making of the book and she worked long hours to recreate this heirloom gift in time for the shower. The same fire destroyed the work done on centerpieces for the wedding reception and these, too, were recreated in time for the wedding.

Another gift was a box of family heirlooms both old and new. It included hand-embroidered and edged linen napkins made by an ancestor, hand-tatted doilies, sachets, candles, heirloom candle holder and a “bouquet” of collector spoons from every country Rebecca and Andrew have each visited so far in their lives, collected and donated by family and friends from across the world. The gift box included many more items of poignant significance in Rebecca’s family history. A treasure box, indeed.

A special surprise came from Karin’s mother, Else Jensen, Rebecca’s grandmother. She crocheted a beautiful white wrap/shawl for Rebecca to wear on her wedding day if it got too cool. None of the family knew she was doing this and the needlework was so intricate and beautiful, the yarn so delicate and soft, it was an immediate heirloom – a treasure to keep for the ages.

As I recount these moments I want to remember, there are many more details, many more gifts, many more significant people, some details and names of which I may not have gotten straight or remembered accurately. If I have made any errors, let me know so I can correct them.

In recording these moments, I echo again what I did in an earlier post surrounding the events of the wedding: “Here I raise my Ebenezer, this far by God’s help I’ve come.”

So grateful,

Joyce

…to be continued

Mother to Son Blessing

My son’s July 31 wedding to my soul-daughter was everything I could have ever hoped: youth and beauty, love and grace, commitment and prayer, wine and song, laughter and dancing, and all things wonderful. I soaked in satisfying visits and time well spent with family and dear friends. For weeks afterward, I have quietly pondered the peaceful inner glow of knowing it was all good. After telling a friend about it again today, I realized it needs to be documented. An Ebenezer, as it were, a memorial to God’s faithfulness to us this far.

But first, some background:

A little over a year before, on Father’s Day weekend 2014, Andrew proposed to Rebecca. At Christmas, in anticipation of their new life together, I gave Andrew a blessing around the New Year’s Eve dinner – a carefully crafted commitment to my place in the new order of his life going forward after his wedding. It reads like this:

I, Joyce, release you, Andrew, to be the man you choose to be. I will love you, accept you, respect you, encourage you, believe the best of you and pray for you daily as long as God gives me breath. I promise to answer your questions honestly and to refrain from giving advice unless you ask. I promise not to interfere, except in the unlikely event you're about to 1) harm yourself, 2) harm someone else, or 3) do something illegal.

I bless you in the free exercise of your gifts, I honour your choices, I respect your autonomy, I delight in your humour, I admire your style. Most of all, I love your choice of life partner and I bless the new and separate family you will become. If you choose to have children, I promise to love, pray for, encourage and spoil them.

I celebrate who you are and the friends with whom you have chosen to walk on your journey. My heart and home are always open to you and to those you love.

I believe in the man you are and the man you will become and I will support you in any healthy way possible to reach your goals.

I am so proud of you. I am grateful for your love and so honoured that God gave me the privilege of being your mom. I offer always, to the best of my ability, my unconditional love.

When I wrote and read these words for Andrew, I meant every one of them and still do. I will return to them on occasion, when I need a reminder of what I promised.

I will blog about each part of the beautiful wedding events over the next few days or weeks. Stay tuned.

So grateful,
Joyce

Family

This past Sunday, I was privileged to attend my soul daughter's bridal shower. She has been friends with my son for five years, dated for two and they will be married in 17 days. This bridal shower was primarily a family affair. Aunts, cousins, sister, mother, grandmothers and lifelong friends shared personal memories and reflections, gifts of heirloom pieces, souvenirs, hand crafted treasures, and family recipes. I was struck by the interweaving our histories have within a family.

As the mother of the groom, living in a city nearly 1,000 km away, I'm so grateful my son is being absorbed into this long legacy of treasured memories and look forward as he and his new wife will together build a legacy of their own.

I attended another gathering Saturday on Sunset Beach, where the son of my husband's best friend exchanged vows with his bride. When it came time for the photos, my husband's 40+ years of friendship earned a spot in the family grouping along with me as his wife. As a recent newlywed, these summer weddings and preparations are a sweet reminder of my own recent nuptials and the value of relationships: friends and family members which support and strengthen each union.

This intergenerational blending and intertwining of my family with my new husband's family and his long time friends' families, and us with my son's new family, along with his cousins, grandparents, uncles and their families who will be joining us. It truly will be a united nations wedding: Dutch, Danish, Norwegian, Swedish, American, Canadian and more.

As I was searching for the words to express the emotion of all this, Dr. David Benner shared the following quote from John O'Donohue. It captures the essence of family:

Superficially, a family might look like an accidental gathering of individuals called together by the chance meeting of a man and a woman who fell in love and wanted to express the depth of their love in procreation. At a deeper level, a family is an incredible intertwining of multiple streams of ancestry, memory, shadow, and light. Each home hosts the arrival of history and assists the departure of new destiny. The walls of the home contain immense happenings that occur gradually under the subtle veil of normality. Though each family is a set of new individuals, ancient relics and residues seep through from past generations. Except for our parents and grandparents, our ancestors have vanished. Yet ultimately and proximately, it is the ancestors who call us here. We belong to their lifeline. While they ground our unknown memory, our continuity bestows on them a certain oblique eternity. In our presence we entwine past and future.  ~ John O'Donohue

Be present. You are carrying forward the legacy.

The Fifth Wedding

Here's the family at our fifth wedding of the year on December 22. This one was extra-special because it was the oldest son of my late sister-in-law (she passed away when he was four years old). He married a beautiful young woman and they will be attending school yet for a while.

The wedding was lovely and the reception was delightful - a great jazz band "Blue Suit Friday" was there for the dance - what terrific music. I even dared to dance the last dance with my husband.

We don't really dance. We swayed together. It was nice.