Re-Remembering

My soul daughter and I

I want to remember these moments, Part 2 

(read Part 1 here)

Andrew and Rebecca's pre-wedding week was a rush, literally. We forced ourselves to drive the speed limit while running errands. There’s no point, really, ever, to exceeding the speed limit. I’m learning in my later years to accept the reality that if I am “behind schedule”, going faster is only going to cause more problems, so I exhale, relax and face the consequences. Usually, it’s a false sense of urgency that drives me to think I have to rush, but as my momma always said, “Haste makes waste” and as my daddy liked to quote: “The hurrier I go, the behinder I get”. I'm not sure what that even means, except I know when I rush, I inevitably forget something or drop something and make a mess or get a speeding ticket or (God forbid) even get into a collision.

We arrived in Langley on Monday before the big day Friday. We had already been on the road for a week, sightseeing, visiting museums and wineries and spending some slow, savory time together on vacation, getting ourselves mentally geared up for the rush of wedding week with all its bustle and people. We took a room at the Ramada for two nights, until our VRBO reservation was ready, which we would share with my brothers beginning on Wednesday when they arrived.

http://www.porterscoffeehouse.ca/

Every morning, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, we headed over to Porter’s for breakfast. This is the café so capably run by Rebecca's parents. The first day, Tuesday, we met up with my son (the groom), his bride, her mother and several Danish and Dutch relatives who had arrived in town for the wedding and wanted a chance to get acquainted. Such delightful folks. It reminded me again about the beautiful scripture God gave me when I was widowed, which found it’s fulfillment, first in my marriage to Henry and now in Andrew’s marriage to Rebecca - how God “sets the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:6). I still am moved by the sensations of love and laughter and warmth of family that surrounded us that day and the days following.

I spent Tuesday with the groom, running errands while Rebecca was working. While Henry bonded with the bride’s father running various errands, I went with Andrew to look for socks and a tie, and then dropped his vehicle off at the Honda dealership to have the air conditioning serviced. It had broken down during their trip back to BC from Calgary in July. Since the long range forecast for the Langley area included +38C temperatures for the coming week, I couldn’t imagine not having A/C. 

We made a stop at Staples to duplicate some photos and look for a special folder in which the wedding license could be placed for safekeeping. To our pleasant surprise, we ran into Aunt Elsje at Staples, collecting the wedding ceremony programs she had designed. 

They have a lovely cover and back (with photos of the couple) 

These then fan out to reveal three pages inside (wedding party, order of ceremony and lyrics for the hymn), all anchored by a decorative fastener. 

Much love and labor went into this souvenir.

We had a quiet evening taking a dip in the pool and a soak in the hot tub at the hotel before heading for bed. The next morning we packed up and checked out and met Andrew and his roommate, my soul-son, Fraser, for breakfast at Porters. 

This day, Wednesday, found Henry bonding with Bill by visiting Bill’s barber and both having their heads shaved. Bill always keeps this look, and it wasn’t the first time Henry had done this and I really like the look. He says he’ll let his hair grow for “warmth and traction” in the winter but I think the “Mr. Clean” look is definitely hip. The rest of the day included more errands and checking into our lovely VRBO home in Surrey, about halfway between the bride’s home in Langley and the wedding venue in Pitt Meadows. It had four bedrooms and two baths and a kitchen fully stocked with everything but food.  We purchased some groceries and coffee for breakfasts for the six of us who would be staying there.

Danielle, Karin and Rebecca get the royal treatment

In the late afternoon I had been invited to join the mani-pedi excursion with the bridesmaids, bride and her mother. To be included in this event was such an honor and it was great fun to hear the girls chatting and preparing for the big day.  When my brother Jim and sister in law Sheilia arrived later from Colorado, they went out for supper with Henry and then relaxed at the rental house until I returned. Steve and Wanda arrived from North Carolina after midnight, which was nearly 2 a.m. by their normal Eastern Time Zone, but Wanda and I immediately sat down to catch up – oh, the fun of “sisters” after being apart for a year. Wanda stood up for me at my wedding last August.

Centrepieces over Vinyl Record Albums

Thursday was pretty much all business. We had volunteered to take a jaunt to the east side of Chilliwack to pick up chair covers, and then later morning we spent picking up take-n-bake pizza, veggie trays and fruit trays from Costco and delivering them to the refrigerators at Porters in preparation for dinner for family and bridal party after the rehearsal. After that, everyone headed for the venue to decorate and rehearse.

The aunts doing décor placed one part of the centrepieces on each table, awaiting the floral part the next day. Each one was to be adorned by photos of the bride and the groom at the age that equates with the table number (i.e. table one had photos of both of them at age one, table two = age two and so on, up to age 12).

While my brothers and I were practicing our quartet in the blazing sun, Henry was climbing up and down a very tall ladder in the stifling heat of the screened room where the reception was to be, hanging strings of twinkle lights with the help of one of the Dutch cousins. It was likely around +40C up in those rafters and it took several hours, but the result was truly lovely.

Henry and his assistants

Everyone pitched in to put on chair covers, these had burlap ribbons and a daisy tied around each one. I made sure the correct number of chairs was placed at each table. 

Steve, Fraser, Rebecca and Robert handle the chair covers with ease

After the formality of the ceremony rehearsal, we all headed to Porters for pizza and visiting. It was the bridal party and partners, along with any family members who had traveled from a distance. Some of our Harback family was there: Pastor Brad, wife Tina, kids Paige and Max; Andrew’s grandparents, Roy and Lila; his cousin Rachael and her husband and kids; as well as with Rebecca’s Dutch and Danish relatives and my dear friends, the Boersmas, from The Hague. My brothers and their wives, of course, with the addition of my brother, John, his wife Kathryn and one son joined us there – we’d visited them in March at their home in Phoenix and I was delighted they could join us for this special time. 

We all ate, laughed, listened to live music by one of Bill’s bands and shared some special time of getting acquainted or re-acquainted. Everyone was hungry so the pizzas we’d brought disappeared faster than anticipated and once again, Bill saved the day with a few handmade flatbread pizzas for the latecomers. He and Karin are such incredible hosts. I am in grateful awe.

(clockwise) Kathryn, Sheilia, Jim, Roy, Brad, Tina, Paige, Steve, Mark

(L to R) Dianne, The Jensens, Linda

A great time in a great venue for family and friends

(L to R) Brett, Lily, Reese, Rachael, Lila

(L to R) A cousin whose name I missed, Rebecca's Jensen grandparents, Brenda

Simone, Thomas, Danielle, Adam

The groom and Pastor Brad

Back to the VRBO rental home for the evening, we visited a while and then all went to bed. Such a unique and rare privilege, to sleep under the same roof with several family members for the first time in a very long time.

A special interlude that remains one of my favorite memories is when we arrived at the Costco parking lot. We were still sipping our McDonald’s coffee from Chilliwack and Henry parked in the shade and kept the car running so the A/C would keep us cool. He said something to the effect of, “Let’s just take some time to catch up. We’ve been around a lot of people for a lot of time and I’d like to have some time for just you and me.” So we exhaled and stretched and relaxed into some easy conversation. This was a refreshing oasis in the middle of the activity. It was such a wise choice and I am so grateful for Henry leaning into ways we can connect. This was only one among many ways I’ve witnessed in the past year where he is very intentional about our relationship. Even in the middle of a long to-do list or in the middle of a crowd, he lets me know he sees me and appreciates me, reaches out with a quiet word, squeeze, or wink – our own private love-link in the middle of being alive. In every aspect of my son’s wedding prep, he’s been available and helpful in jumping in to do whatever is necessary or release me to do what I needed to do but he also knew we needed to just be still and enjoy each other for a few precious minutes.

This whole week has been about connecting family, sharing love and memories and making new friendships. We’re united in one purpose and it is this sense that I want to re-remember whenever I recall the wedding. It is about the people, the family, the friends who have made our lives rich, who have built into us and encouraged us and held us when we cried and poked us when we got too full of ourselves and above all, loved on Andrew and Rebecca and helped make them the amazing people they are today.

More to come …click here for The Wedding Day (Part 1).

Punctuality Punch

I will apologize in advance if this post offends you. I hope not. I’m writing it because I’ve lived on both sides of this issue so I’m preaching to myself here. I have no particular individual in my mind other than myself. Feel free to add your perspective in the comments or on my Facebook page.

I don’t remember if I heard it, read it, or saw it in one of those random Facebook pictures. It struck me funny.

“Better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.”

I may or may not have re-shared it. It sure got a laugh in Cave Creek at the pottery shop when I said it to my husband as a quote that should be on a plaque and a couple women in the store overheard me. They laughed uproariously.

But is it true?

On a favorite blogger’s recent post I read something that sounds like it. She’s just had a baby. Her fourth. A bit of a “Surprise!” baby, but she was eager and ready and happy and fully immersed in the new mothering of her little one, but wrote: 

“Dashing into the shower in the early morning, determined to get dressed, put on make-up, brush my hair. I’m my father’s daughter: I believe in the small dignities to keep life steady in the midst of change and chaos. I hear his voice in my head, look good and feel good. So I make beds, I put clean clothes on everyone in my care, I empty the dishwasher, we eat at the table. Normal structures, normal routines, all around an extraordinary newness. It’s true, I do feel better but now there’s a houseful of people who all feel better when I feel better.”

Hold that thought while we go back to the triggering quote. Is it truly “better to arrive late than to arrive ugly”? Will the people to whom I’m arriving feel better because I feel good about how I look? Is that the right measure?

I’ll give you a hint. It’s an unfair question.

It’s a false dichotomy, only two choices. The question assumes you must pick one thing out of two bad options, when there are actually many more options available. Let’s break it down a little further: The question assumes that if I arrive on time, I will arrive unkempt. Or that I am ugly unless I arrive late? Or that to truly do what is necessary to make myself presentable, I must take so much time that I cannot possibly start it soon enough to finish promptly and arrive punctually.

I’m sure you and I both have seen many beautiful people arrive on time and behave quite graciously, so this isn’t about them. Let me just pick this funny little quote apart. I’m going to seek names for what it may be hiding. Is it a procrastinator’s excuse for tardiness? An insecure person’s defense for being disrespectful of other people’s time? A comedian’s means to a backhanded insult? Or just a sarcastic joke which I’m totally over-thinking?

A good friend of mine asks a pointed question when we hear, read or say something which is initially funny or self deprecating that eventually doesn’t sit quite right when you think about it or give it a sober second glance.

She asks, “What’s the lie in that?”

Is there a lie in the phrase, “Better to arrive late than ugly”?

Promptness and punctuality were emphasized from day one of elementary school. We were graded on it. Businesses emphasize honoring their open/close times and expect employees to be present and engaged in productive work during their assigned work hours. Social etiquette refers to arriving “fashionably late” as being no more than 8 minutes past the invitation time but not arriving too early ahead of the specified start. Since social settings are voluntary, do we give tacit approval to late arrival? If I were meeting the president or the queen, would I think it’s better to arrive late for any reason?

So here’s the lie. Neither option is better.

Truth is, arriving late is ugly. I know there are occasional times when circumstances cause unavoidable delay. But there was a point in my life where I arrived late all the time. Even if I had committed to an event or a rehearsal, I would often arrive late. I even wrote an essay on it, trying to understand myself and this behavior I did not condone, condemning myself in every possible way for not being able to move my consistent tardiness into dependable punctuality.

I discussed the hypothesis that to arrive consistently late might be done out of disrespect. I used terms like arrogant and inconsiderate. Or perhaps a passive-aggressive act to exert power by one who felt an obligation to attend an event but doesn’t really want to be there. Tardiness can give the self-centered impression that what I am doing now is more important or more interesting than what you want to do at your start time. Or perhaps a narcissist likes arriving late and having everyone notice me when I get there. Even bad attention is better than no attention, right?

Wrong.

If we give the tardies the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they just attract roadblocks. I recently decided to attend my nephew’s band concert in an unfamiliar city. The GPS said ETA was 12 minutes, but that didn’t take into consideration it was rush hour and the GPS said to go north instead of south and the traffic in both directions was at a standstill. Exiting on a side road, we pulled over and it took a few minutes to reassess an alternate route that didn’t include the freeway. We were fine. Calm. Not worried because we still had lots of time, so we stopped for coffee at McDonalds. The clerk said they were brewing a fresh pot and it would be three minutes – no problem, we went to the washroom and returned, waiting while they served the two people now in line.

You know this isn’t going to turn out well, already, don’t you?

The second person was ordering for an entire basketball team, apparently, then didn’t have quite the right amount and had to make alterations to the order. When we finally stepped up to get our coffee order processed (we didn’t use the drive thru because we did need to use the facilities) and while she was taking our simple “two large black coffees” order, the clerk stopped and answered an interruption from the previous woman, then a second question from another patron who wanted more dipping sauce for his chicken fingers and we listened to the entire policy explanation as to why they were going to charge him $.16 for each one in addition to what’s given with his order and their warning to him about not being verbally profane or abusive with his language. Once our coffee finally arrived and we got back into our vehicle to continue our journey, it was a full fifteen minutes we hadn’t calculated into our transit time.

Then in the next block, after we exited McDonalds, a train is stopped across the road. Dead stopped. No movement at all. With a police vehicle already blocking access with lights flashing (on both sides of the train), I make the quick assumption that it is stalled for an indefinite period of time and we proceed with a quick recalculation again on the GPS for a second detour.

The address he gave was for the main office of the college campus where the concert was taking place, and as we arrived, we get a phone message from my brother with more detailed instructions as to how to find the concert hall, a full two miles further from the main office. All the while, I had been texting my brother about our ETA, updating him, figuring out how to meet for getting the concert tickets, which he eventually left at Will-Call so he could sit down as the concert was already starting.

We arrived late and were seated between songs as my nephew’s band began playing the last of their set. They were terrific. Small consolation, the following two bands were terrific as well and we got to go out for coffee with the family afterwards. But we were late. Oh, so late, for such very good reasons that were not at all our fault.

These are not the kind of tardy arrival incidents I am discussing in this post, but it was a “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” kind of a story, don’t you think?

Sigh. Even explaining why we were late took me on a long rabbit trail that has delayed my next paragraph.

Yes, even if I wanted to be at an event, I would still sometimes be late. Sometimes just because I couldn’t get my act together or took too long or didn’t leave soon enough. Sometimes, they couldn’t start without me. They still loved me and it made it easier when I could explain all the ridiculous and unexpected, unavoidable reasons for delays outside my control, but when it was due to my own negligence or impertinence, I made it just a smidge harder (and believe me, I am deeply grateful for the true friends who heaped forgiveness on this and many other flaws).

How did I eventually change? I learned from personal experience - when I’ve been on the receiving end: leading a rehearsal that requires me repeating instructions for the latecomers (one of the joys of working with volunteers) or hosting a dinner party that required closely timed guest arrival with placing the success or fail entrée in front of them.

If I arrive late to the theatre for a live show or concert, I’m not allowed in until a suitable break between acts or songs. If I arrive late for an airline flight, I miss it. We are penalized. What’s a person to do when someone arrives late to a dinner party or a rehearsal? Starting without them may drive the point home to them, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference for chronic latecomers.

My father wanted one of my brothers to be more punctual. So my father asked, “If we were to take a hymnal with us from every church we sing in, would that be okay?” My brother says, “Of course not, it would be like stealing.” My father’s point: “And when you take five minutes or more of our time while we wait for you to arrive, you are stealing our time. Nine of us waited five minutes for you, that’s 45 minutes you have stolen. It is time that is not yours to take.”

Some of the things I did to overcome my own chronic tardiness was related to realizing how I was impacting my relationships with those I cared about. I had a choir member ream me out for “expecting more of the choir than you expect of yourself.” She was right. I didn’t want to be kept waiting but there were times I as the director had kept them waiting.

Some practical things I learned:

• allow extra time
• leave earlier
• start getting ready earlier
• shorten the to-do list
• eliminate all but the most essential tasks
• set aside perfectionism
• get used to saying: "That's good enough"
• stop being overly optimistic about how long something will take
• build in a buffer in case something happens along the way
• leave when planned
• discipline myself to NOT multi-task

I know all this. You know all this. But still, I push it. I’m no longer a chronic tardy, but sometimes I still arrive late. I see others do the same. Why?

Because I don’t want to have to be the one waiting on the latecomers. What a lame reason. Seriously? That’s a whole ‘nother blog post all on its own.

Back to the blogger’s paragraph. She felt looking good and keeping routines for her family (even in the face of being the mom of a brand new baby) would help her whole family feel better. She took the responsibility to keep routine and beauty and tidiness in the middle of all that change and upheaval. She was choosing beauty over ugly. Peace over chaos. Punctuality over procrastination. But later in her blog, she confessed, “the laundry will never be done” so we know she isn’t one of those uptight perfectionists, nor is she blowing smoke, creating a false image of how organized she is. She simply wants to help her family feel as normal and safe as possible as they integrate a new little one into their family.

I find from experience that late arrivers (including myself) begin to feel like unsafe people. I can’t count on them. Well, I can count on them to be consistently late. They signify by their repeated tardiness that they are not going to respect another’s time.

In the world of those who follow Christ, it doesn’t seem very loving. But then again, neither does my forensic dissection of the issue. I’m preaching at myself here. I’m just a writer trying to figure out how to live in this world in a way that will help others feel safe around me. 

I want to be a woman of my word. I want to be able to trust myself and be confident that I will honor time commitments of others and help them succeed by being prompt. I want to be respectful of others, honor their time, be a good steward of this one precious life. Help the entire production or choir or dinner party look better and feel better because no one is worrying about when the last person will finally arrive and things can get started.

It’s ugly to arrive late.

I want to redeem the time, arrive calm and collected so that I (and all the others with whom I am in community) will look and feel better. I want to make room for time, for others, for sanity. To maintain small dignities to keep life steady in the midst of change and chaos.

There’s no present like the time.

Photo Credit: Depositphotos.com 2354469, Standard License

Oh, Be Careful Little Mind What You Judge

I had someone frown at me a while back as I accessed my iPhone during a time when she felt it was inappropriate to do so. She’s a lovely lady, very refined, always dressed to the nines and a dear friend, but a fair bit older than I am and quite traditional in her view of what constitutes decorum and “appropriate” behavior. She assumed I was checking my text messages during church, when I was actually looking up the scripture reference on my Bible app. 

Another person says I carry my phone around “like a security blanket. You're never without it, you access it frequently and it just seems to be an extension of your body." Guilty as charged. It is literally an aid to daily living, as essential as my eyeglasses or the multi-purpose tool he carries in his pocket, and the phone I never see out of his reach. 

It also helps me connect with friends and family members who live in all parts of the world. These aren’t my “online friends” vs. my “real life friends”. They are all real life friends and family. I connect with them in real time about real issues. We talk of loss and love and we share our funny and sad moments. This is an IRL (in real life) connection.

Oh, sure, there’s a lot of time wasting, useless stuff out there. But there’s a lot of value-added stuff too. Smart phones are now multi-use devices with hundreds of thousands of apps which do almost anything you want. I have 58 applications on mine but have downloaded, used and discarded at least a hundred more. I use at least 25 of these on a daily basis, and the rest on a weekly or monthly basis.

Here is a typical sample of the many faces of my iPhone:

1. Phone
2. Text Messages
3. Address Book
4. Email
5. Alarm Clock
6. Bible
7. Library
8. Internet
9. News reporter
10. Calendar & Appointment Book 
11. Weather Report
12. Notebook
13. Reminders
14. Map
15. Camera
16. Photo Album
17. Calculator
18. Voice Recorder
19. Dictionary & Thesaurus
20. Music Library
21. Movie Library
22. Banking Access
23. Scrabble
24. Social Media
25. Video Call
26. Restaurant Reviewer
27. Flight Tracker
28. Travel Agent
29. Devotional Reader
30. Social Convener
31. Personal shopper
32. Encyclopedia

So, next time you see someone on their smartphone, don’t assume they’re “just texting” or playing a game. Assume the best. It’s about relationships and knowledge, worship, utilities, memory aids, life skills and entertainment. It’s about using technology to help us connect to our world and to those we love. It's probably the way you're reading this blog post at this moment.

What's the primary reason you use your smart device?